Bisexual Husband? What do I do now?

I am pleased to offer an insightful article from my partner, Lianna Walden. People are often curious about her side of the story. I think this is very helpful for those dealing with their partner’s coming out.

 

When my husband told me that he was bisexual, I was shocked: he revealed that he had experimented behind my back and it was with men.

What did this mean for me?

The husband I thought I knew completely changed before my very eyes. Suddenly everything about our marriage, our relationship, our sex life and our friendship was put into question. I felt as if my life was turned upside-down.

I could see that it had been difficult for him to tell me. He had spent many years tormenting himself about his desire for men, then hiding and suppressing his feelings until he could no longer keep his inner truth locked inside. He was willing to risk everything to be authentic, even though he was terrified of my reaction: afraid I may leave him; take the kids; tell everyone what had happened. It was also evident that telling me left him incredibly relieved, almost elated.

Freeing himself from his secret had released a massive amount of stress. For my husband, telling me he was bisexual was the end of a long process. For me however, this was the beginning of mine.

Now that I knew, what was I going to do about it?

I took a number of days to digest what had just happened. We talked, argued, cried. I asked many questions which he tried his best to answer.  I just could not shake the thought that he had secretly created a whole separate erotic world away from me. I felt left out, not trusted, separate from him. I wondered about where he had been, when, with whom and what he had done. More importantly I did not understand why he had not confided in me?
I was going crazy, circling around and around.

It was then I knew I had to make a very serious choice: either I would leave him so that I did not have to deal with his bisexuality and indiscretions; or I would stay, which meant fully supporting him and making our relationship work within this new paradigm. I loved him. We were good together. We had created a life with children, a dog, cats, house, memories, and experiences. After fifteen years of marriage here he was, exploring his sexuality.  I knew that I was also an explorer and that I wanted the same.  Could we do it together? So I decided I would stay and risk it all too.

I was now part of the exploration.

In order to accommodate his man to man desires it would mean freeing each other to experiment. I didn’t want to put more restrictions on him with the line, “I will stay with you, but if you have sex with a man one more time, I will … (not sure what that would have been)”. Instead I wanted to accept him and try to and make it work. With this meant changing our relationship, our thoughts about our marriage and turning into a very different couple.

For me this transition had to be drastic and new; a fresh start; leaving all that had happened behind us. I was terrified but I knew this was the only way we could move forward and accommodate his bisexuality. At the same time I was awakened.

At 44 years old, I was going to begin discovering my own sexuality!

Monogamy had always seemed daunting to me. I had loved him and wanted to be together but when I thought about having sex with only him for the next 20, 30, 40 years down the road, it felt very restrictive and confining. I wondered if we could keep our passion strong for each other for the rest of our lives? My experimentation up to this point had been limited to a monogamous-heterosexual configuration. Now being faced with allowing my own desires to surface, I felt lost. What turns me on? Women? Other men? Couples? I had no idea.

It took time to work through limitations I had put on myself and the fears about allowing myself this freedom. I am a wife. I am a mother of two children. People saw us as a normal, heterosexual couple. Could I allow myself to be a sexually explorative woman as well? I was determined to allow this part of myself surface. I wanted to open up as he had, seeing where this journey would take me.

Your husband being bisexual does not have to be a life-threatening, relationship-ending situation. This is an opportunity to start developing a more communicative, loving relationship. Most of us want this and when a partner comes out with intimate information, you are in a place where you can start creating it.

Exposing your own desires and knowing the innermost desires of your partner creates more intimacy in the relationship. This is an amazing thing. Every risk I took in exposing myself around my desires caused me to grow and for our relationship to strengthen. One thing that is important to keep in mind is that he has not lost his desire for you and most importantly he does not want to lose you.

Here are some questions to stimulate thought as you embark on creating a new relationship.

1. What do you know about bisexuality? This took me a while to truly grasp. Was he just testing the waters with men, a desire that would go away at some point? I couldn’t digest what this dual desire meant. I’ve really only ever had a desire for one sex. He made a comment to me one day that helped me understand, “You can’t understand me having a desire for both men and women, but for the life of me I can’t understand how you do not.”

It became clearer to me that we had different desires, that’s it. We are not always drawn to the same things. And that’s OK. In actuality the differences make it all the more exciting. And talking about those differences, accepting them, exploring within them and allowing them opens you to this incredible adventure called life.

2. Is bisexuality the real issue in your relationship? Being afraid to tell you about his desires, relates to the fear and inability to communicate. He may say things you do not want to hear.  That is what communication in a relationship is all about: being open and allowing each other to express anything without judgement.

Being vulnerable and revealing something intimate is an opportunity to start having real, honest, raw dialogue about sex, about desires, about fantasies. These are steps towards creating more intimacy which will then allow you to move forward in your relationship.

3. Who are you sexually? You may be a mother, sister, wife, friend but who are you and what do you want to explore sexually? Any thoughts or desires you have are valid. You have to know that you are a sexual being and that you have every right to allow this part of you to grow in whatever way you want at whatever speed.

Sex is an energy women are taught to keep contained, whereas it is an ever-changing and powerful force which needs to be ignited and expanded. Women are naturally highly orgasmic and receptive. Unlocking that energy can be transformational.

This can actually be an exciting time for you.

I know that it is not easy. There are many layers of beliefs you need to work through, decisions and discussions you will have to embark upon.  You are entering a marital situation people are not used to and have very little knowledge about.  That is OK. Know clearly that this is your life. You can make the decisions about what you want even if everyone and everything around you tells you differently. There are no rules or manuals here. You have to feel what is right for you and your husband and head in that direction courageously.

My husband and I have now been married for 20 years. We have and continue to navigate though these undulating waters of marriage, monogamy, sexuality, honesty, jealousy and trust. Our love for each other has grown to a place we never imagined possible.

In order to keep moving forward I have a mantra:
I am a strong, understanding woman on an adventure;
I want him to be comfortable talking to me about his desires;
I also want to expose my desires and needs to him;
we are going to love each other for who we are;
we are going to stay together because we want to;
we will allow each other to continue growing and expanding throughout our relationship.

This has been working exceptionally well for me, and it can work for you too.

 

Lianna is a Sex and Relationship Coach. She has been helping people worldwide deal with their own erotic and sexual exploration.
Please contact her if you want to talk.

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10 Responses to Bisexual Husband? What do I do now?

  1. 8 December, 2015 at 19:43

    My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years. We’ve got two amazing kids together and I am so thankful for my family.

    However, when I came out to her (about a week ago now) as bisexual you can imagine the fear/anger/sadness that she felt. She’s had some time to process this news and has slowly come to terms with it. She said that she loves me and that she wants to be with me.

    But I cannot shake the attractions I have for men. Just as I cannot help attractions towards women. I’m happily married but I feel as though looking at an attractive person is now prohibited. She’s said that “so long as I don’t think about other men.” I asked her if she doesn’t think about men. And we sort of grew quiet.

    I let her know in plain words that I do _not_ want to have an affair with _anyone_. That I’m not wanting to go get a man on the side. But inside my being, I cannot just shut off attraction and imagination and the knowledge of how amazing it was being close to another man.

    I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t know what I can do to reassure her that my looking at a man or woman in no way lessens or negates my feelings and attractions towards her.

    Am I wrong here? I sort of feel that having come out so that I can finally be me has just shut a different door to bar me from just that.

    Thanks!
    -SE A.

    • Marco
      9 December, 2015 at 20:17

      Dear SE,

      You need not bullshit me, as you are doing with yourself and your wife.

      Why the hell wouldn’t you want to have an experience with a guy? Especially now that you’ve gone to all the trouble of “coming out” about being bisexual to your wife!

      I know how hard it is to come to terms with one’s sexuality, and then to go through the terrifying process of deciding how, when, if to come out about it to your wife, wondering what she’ll say or do.

      For the fact that you have done all this work, I say “Bravo!” Good for you for expressing yourself and your sexual needs, sexual desires, wants, urges. These are important and vital aspects of Who We Really Are. You have recognized this and have begun a dialogue around it.

      So now that you have done all this, I ask you: to what end, for what purpose?

      Have you risked your marriage by coming out just so that your wife can rest assured that you have no intention of fulfilling these deep dark desires you’ve been harbouring all your life and have only now come to terms with?

      Do you expect me or your wife to believe you’ve done this for the purpose of expiating your soul? Being a good communicator? Sharing your true self with your wife, although assuring her your true self will never see the light of day?

      Come on SE! You have wants, needs, urges, desires, fantasies which need to be experienced. You are no longer happy, content with the status quo, and to this I would again say, “Bravo!”

      But you need to man up and own this, not run from it!

      Of course you cannot convince her because you have gone to all kinds of trouble to enlighten her as to what’s really going on inside your head. And now you are trying to run from it, mitigate it, downplay it, deny it, turn it into something it is not.

      You cannot run. You must go forth stronger, bigger, bolder than before. You need to be more of Who You Really Are, not less.

      You need these experiences. You want them. You will not rest until you have them – with or without her blessings.

      This is what really scares you: you know very well that keeping all this bottled up for the rest of your life is not possible.

      Fulfilling your man2man urges, playing them out, indulging in them is a battle you have been waging against yourself for your entire adult life.

      You have now finally allowed them out to see the light of day. SE, trying to put the toothpaste back into the tube is impossible.

      So I suggest you continue squeezing.

      And “No”, I cannot “… imagine the fear/anger/sadness that she felt.” About what? That you’re attracted to both men and women? Sadness? Anger? Even fear? Of what? Bisexuality is not a terminal disease. You are not dying! Your body, mind or soul not slowly slipping away from you with ALS.

      Bisexuality is not a curse or a mortal sin! It’s not a big deal at all. If you’d told her you’d been fucking around with men behind her back, as I had done with my wife, then “Yes!”, I can imaging the fear/anger/sadness she would feel.

      But you have done nothing other than commit a “thought” crime! In other words, no crime at all. We are free to think what we want – still, mostly.

      This is indicative of your own guilt and shame around your sexuality. And this is the real issue SE.

      You need to get on board with Who You Really Are, and then learn to love this and express it joyously and proudly throughout the land.

      You can have the relationship you want with the woman you have right now. It is up to you to, however, to lead the discussion, to define the criteria (your wants/needs) and then to figure out how to get there.

      Accommodating sexual growth and expansion within a life-long marriage is absolutely essential to the marriage’s longevity, sustainability, and health.

      Instead of denying your wants and needs, you must continue pressing for their acceptance. She will not do this. She would rather you tell her the whole thing was a joke.

      You ask: “Am I wrong here? I sort of feel that having come out so that I can finally be me has just shut a different door to bar me from just that.”

      The door is being shut by YOU. I suggest you open it up again.

      Tell her: “Yes! I think of sleeping with men all the time. Yes! I would love to do this, and so badly that I cannot possibly express it. Yes! I love checking out girls’ and guys’ asses from across the street. Yes! I love to flirt. Yes! I would love to try swinging, or have a threesome, or fuck other women, and men – and preferably at the same time, with you honey!”

      You are a bisexual man with bisexual needs. Period. She’s gotta deal with that, with you, as do you.

      This is not a game. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is the big leagues! The real deal.

      This is your life.

      Are you going to live it boldly and with audacity, or wring your hands and fret about windows being closed?

      Mark

  2. Lorenzo
    2 December, 2015 at 14:38

    My wife and I are going through the same thing. I recently opened up my attraction to men and it took a lot of working up to do so. However, I don’t know what would be best for us. She suggests an open relationship but I’ve never have been one to share. So I don’t know what next step to take. Thought of leaving her and starting anew.

    • Marco
      7 December, 2015 at 21:50

      Dear Lorenzo,

      So you’ve opened up about your desire to be with men, and now that your wife has agreed, you want to leave her?

      Come on Lorenzo!

      This is not the time to leave her. Now is the time to man up!

      Do you think you will meet a woman who allows you to go about your man2man experiences while she waits patiently for you at home, knitting sockies?

      I have had to allow my wife all the freedoms I’ve taken for myself – and then some! We have discovered that one freedom is not necessarily the same as another; but it is not about being the same, it’s about being fair.

      My wife is straight, so she’s been off with other guys on her own. Not the same as me being with guys on my own, but fair nonetheless.

      Was it easy? No! But it wasn’t easy for her to process the fact that I wanted to be with guys, either.

      As the one who pushed for this, you must be willing to take your own medicine.

      I would suggest to your wife that she take you over her knee and give you the smart hiding you deserve as a spoiled, immature man who wants to take everything for himself and leave her at home on her own.

      Once soundly spanked I would suggest she go out and have a grand old time with some well-hung hot stud, showing you the photos of all the action upon her return.

      Then you can run from the house crying like the child you are all the way home to your mommy, as she is the only woman who would put up with this kind of nonsense.

      Now stop being a pouty boy and start behaving like a man.

      Mark

  3. Clare
    25 November, 2015 at 20:55

    I feel so happy to have stumbled on this page to see people going through the same thing we are. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 23 years, since I was 18. We experimented when we were younger, so I always new his attraction to men was there & it didn’t bother me. Now out of nowhere, I feel, it has reared its head to become a pressing issue in our relationship, and something he feels he needs to explore. I can’t help but feel threatened, rejected & somehow not as sexually attracted as I used to feel, even though he tells me that’s not the case.
    I want my marriage to work, we both love each other like crazy, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to trust his genuine love for me, if he starts something new with a man. I’m scared ultimately he’ll decide he loves that person more and wants to have sex with them more.
    Can I ask, are most bi men having sex with other entangled bi men, or are there single gay guys that won’t be offended, or see his relationship with me as a deterrent, or something less valuable than it is?

    • Marco
      7 December, 2015 at 20:58

      Dear Clare,

      Thank you for reaching out to me with this comment on my blog.

      Your husband exploring his bisexual side is in no way a threat to your marriage. In fact, allowing the man to explore is actually the best way to ensure the viability of your relationship.

      In our workshops on consensual non-monogamy I ask the participants what I’ll ask you: why would a person (man/woman/other) who is in a loving relationship where they are able to explore and express their true sexual desires leave this partner!?

      They won’t! There is no reason to.

      The fact is this: he will love you SO MUCH MORE for allowing him this, for granting him this most wonderful gift, for being such a cool, open, strong and sexy woman that he will never want to be apart from you.

      This has been my experience, as well as that of so many others.

      You state: ” I can’t help but feel threatened, rejected & somehow not as sexually attracted as I used to feel, even though he tells me that’s not the case.”

      These feelings are actually a form of jealousy. Jealousy hits our self-esteem like nothing else; it plunges us into self-doubt, self-loathing, and imbues us with feelings of powerlessness, unworthiness, and depression.

      The truth is, when I come home from being with a guy, I want my wife more, I love her more, am more horny for her, not less. Opening up sexual energy is beneficial for all involved.

      You say: “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to trust his genuine love for me, if he starts something new with a man.”

      Clare you can end that sentence after “genuine love for me”. Period. This is the issue: does he really love you, or is he just hiding from his true sexuality, or true love, or looking for someone else?

      This question has nothing to do with sexuality. In your case you are wondering if he will find something deeper and more satisfying with a man, but many hetero/homosexual women/men/others feel that way too, and fear that their partner will find love in another – regardless of sexual orientation.

      Entering into consensual non-monogamy certainly puts one’s love to the test. You are both saying, “Okay, we know we love each other and believe our love is strong enough to allow for interactions with others.” And then you go out and test it.

      But monogamy is no defense against these kinds of feelings – despite the belief that it is. As we know, monogamy does not stop people from falling in love with another, having sex with another, falling out of love with our partners.

      It’s important to recognize that for the vast majority of bisexual men, man on man sex is very different from man on woman.

      For the most part bisexual men who prefer women are not looking for love with another man; they are not looking for another relationship like they have with their woman. For these men (like myself), man2man sex is mostly about sex, sexual expression, sexual energy, sexual exchange.

      Explorations of this type will enable you to discover the courage you need to be happy in your love. You too will grow and change and expand along the way, opening to your own desires, and then sharing and exploring these with your husband.

      Right now this is all very unknown, which makes it that much scarier. Once you begin to explore, and the unknown becomes known, you will find yourself becoming much more comfortable in Who You Really Are, in your relationship with your bisexual husband, in your life in general, and in your marriage in particular.

      What you will find is that your love together, your marriage, the life you’ve created cannot be blow over by a little sexual activity.

      In other words you are in the process of becoming stronger, more confident, and more trusting of your partner. Keep going.

      Baby steps forward. Take is slow.

      There is much joy, fulfillment, love, connection and intimacy which await.

      I wish you all the best in this.

      Kind Regards,

      Mark

  4. Kirsty D
    18 October, 2015 at 05:32

    Our story is very similar. After being married 14 years, having 3 kids, mortgage, pets, the whole monogamous kit and caboodle we had become so disconnected we fell apart. I called it and we separated before he actually came out and told me he was bi, part of me still believes we fell apart because he wasn’t being genuine. At first I felt like our marriage had been a big fat lie but I got past that pretty quickly. We both saw other people, he experimented with another guy and I had a few fun, exciting experiences with other guys too.
    9 months later we are back together trying to find our way through.. He has said he doesn’t want a “gay” relationship, he wants to be with me and the kids, but he’s still attracted to guys. I fear that I never know which way he’s swaying, he’s not a great communicator and see’s being bi as a curse and I don’t think we can survive an open relationship, at the moment anyway..
    Anyway.. I’m still not 100% sure about anything. It’s been a very confusing time…
    Thanks for providing the open forum to chat xx

    • Marco
      25 October, 2015 at 20:06

      Hi Kristy,

      Thanks so much for sharing your story with us on the blog.

      I agree with you that his bisexual desires were probably causing much of the turbulence. Now that this out you can work through these issues with clarity.

      Believe it or not you are both in a good place. You’ve been through the turmoil, emotional upheaval, anger and jealousies only to land back at square one: you are together.

      So there is no escape from this relationship, which is you – both of you. In which case there is only one way to go: through the hole, together, hand-in-hand. You cannot go around it, over it, under it, or take a side street.

      You must continue to take another step together and then discover what it is you want/need/, and then another step, and then another step along the road of your lives

      You know that monogamy is is not right, but what else is there?

      This is your starting point. You, like the rest of us, need to figure out what your unique relationship together is going to look like. “For the rest of our lives” is a long time! Kids grow up and leave home eventually, leaving the two of you to stare at each other from across the table: happy or disgusted, this is up to you.

      If all goes well you will spend the rest of your time together working through both of your internal shifts and changes, and then adjusting accordingly.

      You say you don’t think consensual non-monogamy can work for you, but you know that monogamy does not work for you either. So now you are in the midst of working out the details. This is what we call living!

      It is all details. Who does what with whom under what circumstances, how often and for how long.

      It gets easier when both of you stop preventing the other and your selves, and start allowing and accepting the other – and your selves. Say yes yes yes and then keep saying yes.

      Don’t back down from this challenge. There is much love, strength, growth, intimacy and happiness at the other end. Take one step. Then another. Then another.

      Enjoy the ride. It’s all you’ve got!

      Much Love,

      Mark

  5. Eric Johnson
    7 June, 2015 at 02:21

    This story has help me talk more openly with my wife.
    Thank you

    • Marco
      5 July, 2015 at 22:33

      You are the reason I do this!
      All the best to you.

      Mark

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