Why Do They Lie About Being Bisexual?

Shame. Unremitting, soul-crushing shame.

Shame lies at the heart of every secret bisexual desire, thought, encounter.

Shame keeps us from talking, sharing, and being authentic with our loved ones.

Shame stifles our ability to have close, intimate connections.

Shame motivates us toward harmful, hurtful acts.

Shame tears us apart inside and leaves room for little else other than devastating self-loathing.

Bisexuals are deeply ashamed of Who We Really Are, sickened by our own desires, our own selves. It is one thing to act shamefully, but quite another entirely when one’s very nature is shameful.

It is because of this shame that we fervently deny any and all evidence about our true natures – even when caught in flagrante delicto with another, or in a photo, or email describing experiences in which we’ve partaken.

Every encounter we have is seen as an act of self-betrayal, and we swear to ourselves it will be the last: “Never again. I can gain control over this behaviour. I can cure myself of it. Mend my ways. Be a better person. This is not Who I Really Am, but an aberration of me, a distortion, a perversion as the result of an inner defect which, once discovered, can be fixed so that I’ll be normal and good and right again – like everyone else.”

The thought process associated with the discovery of one’s bisexual desire usually goes like this: What is wrong with me? What is causing me to feel this way? What is my problem!?

For this is seen as a problem to many. And to them there is nothing pretty about bisexuality. It’s a fucking nightmare for everyone involved. It is, after all, the terminal cancer of life-long heterosexual monogamy – and God knows this is the supreme summit to which we all aspire. Yes, I’m being facetious.

Once recognized we begin looking for the cause of our disease, fervently blaming anything we can to distance ourselves from accepting responsibility for our own basic natures: I’m bi because of an inappropriate touch when young; an accidental same sex experience which must have left an indelible mark on my soul; something my mother/father did/didn’t do; too much exposure to porn; hanging around too many gay people; too horny; too desperate; over-sexed; satanic possession. You name it, I’ve heard it.

We go to counsellors, join self-help groups, attend Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings, seek out pharmaceutical means of curing ourselves of what really ought not be an issue whatsoever: we enjoy, need, desire, want, crave sexual and/or emotional contact with both sexes.

Why is this such a big deal? Would we feel the same if we replaced sex with skiing? “My husband has agreed to go see a counsellor to find out why it is he cannot control himself from going skiing when a large amount of snow falls. The doctor has suggested a drug which may help him.”

Bisexuals who are hiding are doing so because they are exponentially more appalled by their own desires than their confounded partners. We would like nothing more than to tell them we are cured, and will not be partaking in that kind of thing again.

It is a strange feeling indeed to have an unexpected, uninvited desire rise up from some unknown area within ourselves, goading us toward behaviour which many of us feel is not right – for ourselves.

This is not me!
This cannot be me.
I won’t allow this to be me.
No one can know this is me.

It is interesting to note that when I mention bisexual desire you automatically infer I am talking about a straight person wanting a gay experience. This is not the case. Bisexuality affects gays and straights alike. Gay men and women and others have looked at me in earnest and asked me what is wrong with them that they desire the opposite sex?

Because bisexual desire is inconsistent, coming and going as predictably as the weather – or the human libido – we find it hard to accept as a valid part of ourselves. When there is no bisexual desire, there is no bisexuality. Until it returns, and then all goes into question again.

As a partner of a bisexual you need to understand that the reason we lie, deny, hide is because we firmly believe that Who We Really Are is unloveable. No matter how much you tell us to the contrary, we are certain deep down that our very nature is shameful and problematic.

After I’d come out to my wife in 2009 she allowed me to go and have sex with guys when I wanted. The only stipulation being I had to tell her before.

I could not bring myself to say the words, however. I knew I was supposed to, that it was important for me to do so, but try as I may I could not say it. The main reason being that I did not want to acknowledge it to myself. I was disgusted by my own need. Communicating that to her only made it that much more real, and somehow more perverse.

The next time you find your partner has been less than forthright with you, remember that it is their own self-loathing which drives their behaviour, and the only antidote for that is love. We need to bring light to the darkness, compassion to the affliction, joy to the sorrow.

Overcoming shame is a process which requires the element of time. It took a few years for me to feel good about Who I Really Am, and until that point I had many periods of relapsing into self-loathing, i.e. I was not fully forthright about my behaviour.

Unfortunately there are those who will not under any circumstances open to Who They Really Are, instead choosing to deny until their final day. In this case they remain permanently out of reach.

But for the many of us who understand that self-acceptance is the path to inner unification, peace and contentment, a healthy dose of love and support for Who We Really Are by those who love us is the cure. We may not get all the way there today, but slowly, one step at a time, we will eventually arrive.

I want to thank all those amazing people, such as my wife, who are willing to go through this process with us, and love us regardless. You make all the difference to our lives.


8 Responses to Why Do They Lie About Being Bisexual?

  1. Marco
    10 January, 2017 at 22:38

    Dear LL,

    Thanks for reaching out to me with this comment on my blog.

    Sounds like your guy loves you, wants to be with you and is committed to you, and is willing to forgo his primary attraction to men to do so.

    It sounds as if he may be a Kinsey 4 or 5. Meaning he is the kind of bisexual man whose primary attraction is for men, and he has secondary or incidental attractions to women.

    He sees his relationship with you as more than sexual. And for him, all these components of you and your relationship together are more important than his attraction to men.

    However you, as his partner, can see the edges of his sexuality, the nuances, the fine details. And what you see is that men are his first attraction. And this has left you feeling less than satisfied.

    It would be very helpful if he were able to express the man2man side of his sexuality. Helpful for you, as in such cases I have often seen a general increase in libido and overall sexual expression, including that with the female partner.

    It’s as if turning on the sexual tap lets all sexual energy out. This will also enable him to feel happier, not so tight and closed in, which in turn will create more loving, intimate feelings with you.

    He is terrified to open that tap. He’d rather just keep it closed and sealed forever, rather than look to see what’s in there. It’s much too destabalizing for him.

    As such it is left to you LL to push for change: more sexaul energy; more authenticity from him; less holding back of feelings; less fear around Who He Really Is, his love for you and his sexual expression.

    You too, LL, can open up to him, about your dissatisfaction. You may want to consider having a lover, to fill the gap, pardon the pun!

    Threesomes can be very enjoyable, as can many experiences which stray from lifelong, heterosexual monotony – I meant monogamy!

    If your sex life is lacklustre, then break free; bust out; open up; take some chances. If he doesn’t want to, then you do it. If he’s too scared then you take the lead.

    Or, continue on in this way. There are those for whom sex is not important, or not vital. But I think you are writing to me because you are frustrated with this.

    In a partnership, if one person won’t move it’s helpful if the other can.

    I wish you all the best in this.

    Kind Regards,


  2. LL
    11 December, 2016 at 07:13

    Hi Mark,
    Thanks for sharing your story! We all have a lot to learn from you and your wife. I’m looking for some insight into the married male bi perspective. Before getting married, I knew that my (now) husband had only had male partners before me. At the time, he said he was straight but had simply never had the opportunity arise with a woman. After we’d been together about 10 years, he did open up about being bi. He has never expressed the desire to pursue m2m sex, even refusing when I’ve suggested it.
    Here’s the thing. From day one, our sex life has been less than stellar. Although he does usually orgasm, his libido is low, his erections are often barely adequate for penetration, and his refractory period is days long. He’s young, healthy and emotionally well. I try to spice it up, to no avail. He has always says that I do turn him on, but he’s just not very sexual. The only exception is when we watch m2m porn together. His erection will be raging with no refractory period and the sex is great – until the porn scene ends and he goes limp inside me in minutes.
    I love him like crazy, and I really value our marriage. But if he is not attracted to women, I’d like to know. Any time I ask, he says he is bi but definitely prefers women. Do I just take him at his word? Should I push more for him to experiment with m2m? For some reason, I’m okay with our sex life as long as he isn’t gay … why do I feel that way? Thanks for any advice or insight you can give!

  3. Marco
    5 February, 2016 at 18:37

    Dear Ashley,

    Thank you so much for this thoughtful email.

    I’ve read it over a few times now. These are the facts you state about your current live-in bf of 5 years:
    - a “few years ago” you found some gay porn
    - at that time he admitted to past m2m sexual experiences
    - at that time he stated this was all behind him: he no longer partakes in m2m sexual experiences

    And now, “a few weeks ago” you made other discoveries about your bf:
    - he broke down and admitted he was not totally honest before
    - his attraction to men is bigger than he let on
    - he didn’t sound ashamed this time
    - he did not apologize for what he was interested in
    - he’s bisexual and not gay: “he’s not using me as a ‘cover’”
    - he finally revealed to you his true nature, that this is Who He Really Is, a bisexual man
    - he has promised to never act on it, or to quote you: “He assures me it doesn’t mean he wants to act on it.”

    Okay Ashley, to be clear: there are many monogamous bisexuals in the world. Monogamy is no more difficult for bisexuals than monosexuals; nor is it antithetical to bisexuality.

    If monogamy is important to your bf then it is as possible that he will remain monogamous to you as a person of any other sexuality, like heterosexuality.

    Honesty and authenticity are not related to one’s sexual orientation.

    Let’s begin with what you do know for certain: you have a bisexual bf with a newly-admitted strong desire for men who has assured you he will not explore this desire in the flesh and is perfectly happy to keep it online.

    The first question I have with this is: Why? Why on earth would he not want to explore this newly-found desire? More on this later.

    First I’d like to say that it is entirely possible your bf has not acted on his desires – either now or during those years ago when you made your first discovery. I do not know the man and do not know your situation, so I cannot speak to this. He may very well be telling the truth.

    However I do know the nature of sexual desire, and particularly repressed sexual desire, and I must admit that I have my doubts that he has not acted on this desire, especially considering he has admitted to doing so “in the past.”

    And you do too, which is why you are having trouble trusting him, and which is why you’ve written to me.

    The difficulty you are having with trusting him stems from the fact that he has never come to you on his own and brought this up for discussion. Therefore we can conclude that had it not been for your “discoveries”, this would all still be going on behind your back.

    It is a very different scenario when someone takes the initiative to bring up their feelings, desires, thoughts, and admits to them openly, than it is when being found.

    When one is discovered in flagrante delicto (in the midst the act) the internal decision to come out has not yet been made; instead the person is being forced to deal with their behaviour unwillingly. Had they been willing to deal with it, they would have done so on their own.

    It is in that bit of unwillingness, or resistance, where the disconnect remains, and where the inauthenticity resides.

    Now the question is, what is really going on with your bf?

    There is no doubt he has come to a place of clarity about his sexuality. Something has shifted inside of him in these intervening years between discoveries. His matter-of-fact attitude shows that he’s made big internal breakthroughs in acknowledging his sexual orientation and sexual desire for men.

    Whether these breakthroughs came about simply by thinking, or if they’ve been wrought through physical interaction is something you need to clarify. I would question him about this. Not confront him, but sit down and have a heart-to-heart about what is going on with him.

    What are his true desires? What has he done in his life with men? How often? When? What does he want now? From you? From men? From life? From a relationship?

    Only you can be the judge of whether or not he has opened up to you and is being authentic. You need to feel satisfied with his answers and attitude, i.e. he’s fully disclosed himself, and keep questioning until you do.

    Either way, in light of such breakthroughs and clarity, I question any decision by either of you to agree that he never partake in or explore these sexual desires.

    You said: “my biggest fear remains…what does this all mean and how does he really know he doesn’t desire something else (aka a man) ”

    There’s no longer anything to fear: you know he does have a strong attraction for men. There is only one way to find out what the nature of this attraction is, and that’s to explore.

    Once he allows himself to explore he will come to a place of equanimity within himself; he will understand himself better, and therefore understand what he wants from you and you from him; he will know what the nature of his desire is and how it fits in with his life and Who He Really Is.

    Authentic sexual expression is a vital aspect of Who We Really Are, and it will not be kept in the closet. People continue to risk all – their very lives! – to express their authentic selves, which includes their sexual selves.

    You said: “… perhaps keeping it inside led to the bad activity and now by being able to talk about it, it helps manage those urges.”

    If by “bad activity” you mean dishonest activity, I agree. However the activity of him having sex with other men cannot be seen as “bad”, as he is a bisexual man.

    Ashley I really do not know why your bf would stop himself from exploring these desires. There’s no reason to. And I agree with you, it’s better that he explores this now than in 15 years when you have three kids running around.

    Something is not quite right here, and you need to discover what it is. This can only be done through open, authentic dialogue.

    I wish you all the best in this, and am available should you feel the need to talk.


  4. Ashley
    4 February, 2016 at 00:51

    Hi Mark,

    I recently discovered that my live-in boyfriend of 5 years is bi-sexual. I came across some gay porn a few years ago and just tried to not make a big deal and understand that he was curious. At that point he revealed that he had experimented in the past but that was the past.

    A few weeks ago I was on his computer and saw a whole flurry of activity with gay porn, sites where guys could share photos and compliment eachother. It was all very “bro-ish” and geared towards athletic guys looking for…compliments?

    It wasn’t until this latest discovery that he finally broke down and admitted he was not totally honest before and that his attraction to men is bigger than he let on. He didn’t sound ashamed this time nor did he apologize for what he was interested in. He said this will always be a part of his life and it will never go away. He assures me it doesn’t mean he wants to act on it and he’s not using me as a “cover” .

    Now come my insecurities: I think my initial thought was “well, does he just want to be with guys then and I’m a convienent way to avoid his true feelings of being gay?” or “does he like certain positions in bed because its similar to being with a man and that’s what he’s picturing?” or “Will we get married, have kids and he only then discovers, 20 yrs later, that he indeed wants to be with men?”

    I think this lack of trust is a result of him hiding this from me and going over the line with his interactions online. As you said to someone else, perhaps keeping it inside led to the bad activity and now by being able to talk about it, it helps manage those urges. He’s also now running, taking care of his personal finances and speaking to a psychiatrist …clearly some sort of burden has been lifted!

    I know girlfriends that don’t know nearly as much about their partner as i feel I do now, my biggest fear remains…what does this all mean and how does he really know he doesn’t desire something else (aka a man)

    Sorry, I’m rambling but i am still processing this in a world that doesn’t really talk about the fact that the world isn’t so black and white. The gay porn, the photos and the chatting online…I just don’t want to be signing up to be hurt again if this is going to end with me, and who i am as a woman, is not what he ultimatley wants.

    Still trying to understand the gay porn and how that doesn’t trickle into our sex life and his fantasies.

    Thanks for listening!

  5. Marco
    11 January, 2016 at 22:55

    Dear Susan,

    Thanks for reaching out to me with this email.

    I think you best encapsulate your husband’s current situation with his sentiments: all he knows right now is that he’s into exploring with men.

    In my experience it is quite likely that he is going through what I term, The Slingshot Syndrome.

    The Slingshot Syndrome is where one has been repressing/denying one’s feelings of desire for so long that it has built up an inordinate amount of pressure, distorting the desire beyond it’s actual, natural proportion.

    In this case once the flood gates have been opened, as you say, blammo! The person flies out of the barn as if sent by cannon, landing somewhere very far afield.

    It’s under these conditions that the person then wonders if they are gay (if previously straight), having overshot the line in their exuberance. Sometimes people mistake the initial rush and newness and feelings of having something long-asleep being awakened within for that of a discovery about the nature of their true sexual orientation: now they are gay.

    You’ve asked if I’ve ever questioned my sexual orientation, and the answer is Yes! Over and over again, which is typical of most people, and certainly common among bisexuals. I’d always wonder if I was really gay. However I could also never escape the fact that I have always been very, very attracted to women. Undeniably and overwhelmingly so. I have always loved women sexually, and to be quite blunt about it, I have always loved pussy.

    Seven years into our open relationship my sexuality is at a very comfortable balance. I too had been obsessed with man2man sex. I had much of it on my own, and with my wife for the first five years of our open relationship. But after I’d played out all of that built-up tension, my primary desire for women returned.

    At this point I am much more interested in women than men, although I still interact with men sexually on occasion.

    My wife and I have always had a scintillating sex life, and it continues to this day, like 15 minutes ago. Kidding! Yet there were times when all I could think about was men.

    The confusing thing is that yes, sometimes it is true: people really do discover they are gay. This happened to my gay father’s partner, who was married for 23 years with two grown kids before he accepted his sexuality and admitted to the world that he is in love with my father and now identifies as gay.

    To make matters even murkier, consider that your husband may discover that he is indeed bisexual, but with a preference for men. In this case he may still be sexually attracted to and interested in you, with a wandering eye for guys, which you can share! Yay?

    There are no rules to sexual identification. I’ve met people who identify as bisexual but who have never had a bisexual experience; and there are those who regularly have “bisexual” sex, but who do not identify as bisexual.

    How your husband identifies is not really an issue at this point. What you want to know is, will he still be attracted to you sexually and will he want to remain with you?

    From your email it sounds as if your husband is just so very excited to be out there, like a kid in a candy store as you put it, that it is all-encompassing at the moment. He’s been holding this in for 30 years, so yeah, he’s obsessed, and understandably so.

    One of the metrics I ask people about is, do you currently or have you ever had a satisfying, passionate, fulfilling sex life together? If there have been periods of really excellent sex between the two of you, then I’d say your husband isn’t gay.

    But this is only part of the equation, as you can see.

    People of every sexual orientation and relationship type stay together and split apart for as many reasons as there are people and relationship types.

    I’ve been quoting this a lot lately, and I’m not sure it will help, but here goes:

    From a cheesy 70′s poster, with a wild white horse is galloping along the beach into the sunset:

    If you love something, set it free

    If it comes back, it was yours

    If it doesn’t, it never was

    Susan in the midst of all of this you cannot forget about yourself. You need to pay attention to and focus on you as well: what you need; what you want from your husband; your relationship; and your life.

    You have a husband with a fluid sexuality. This means you need relationship fluidity to match it, in which case you have to get used to the waves, be comfortable riding them along, up and down and all around.

    I wish you all the best on this adventure. I’m here if you need to talk.


  6. Susan
    11 January, 2016 at 19:03

    Hi Mark
    My husband and I have been on this journey now for 18 months. We have grown closer and our marriage is better than ever. We’ve been to counselling with someone who is a sex therapist and that helped a bit. We have opened his side of the marriage and he has a married friends with benefits that he sees every 2 weeks. His wife knows as well. My husband has also had 4 other M2M experiences, one prior to my knowledge of his bisexuality.
    Despite all that we’ve done and how far we’ve come he still is not at peace and does not feel happy. He tells me he thinks of this nonstop every single day and has a very strong attraction to men. I know this will likely find its rightful place over time , as you have said previously that it took you 5 years. He still is very reluctant to label himself as bisexual or gay. He says all that he knows is that from the time he was 15 he has always known he had an attraction to men but never acted on it until 45. Now that he has let the flood gates open its pouring out and I completely understand the process and what he’s going through. I just don’t know how to help him any further. He gets angry when I ask him if he is gay and doesn’t want the label of that either.
    Did you ever question if you were gay and trying to force yourself to stay in a marriage because its what you have always known? If so, how did you eventually figure out what you really wanted?
    We have a really great marriage but if he is truly gay and wants to be with a man then I feel he should be true to himself. Im just not sure how to help him find out for himself. I’m open to him doing more exploring if necessary as he feels like a kid in a candy shop right now and wants more and more. I think this is because he never allowed himself to do this as a teenager.
    I would really appreciate any suggestions you have. I would love to make this work but most of all I would like to see him happy and at peace.


  7. Marco
    25 November, 2015 at 18:57

    Dear Angelee,

    Thank you for reaching out to me with this comment on my blog.

    Your husband enjoys anal, and wants to try it with a man.

    You love your husband, have an amazing marriage, he is your best friend, you love him no matter what, but somehow having another man stick his penis in your husband’s ass is going to ruin this?

    Is your love so tenuous? Your ego so fragile? Your husband’s asshole so precious?

    Angelee what’s the big deal here? And please do not moan about “cheating” and monogamy. You are not a child. Nor are you a virgin, holding onto romantic notions of sex and love.

    You are a grown woman! We’re talking about sex now. Body parts. Physical interaction. You are not a Disney character chaste and pure, where One True Love is tied to virginity and sexual abstinence. Or are you?

    There is not a single thing wrong or bad or challenging or threatening about consensual sexual activity between grown, responsible adults. Yes, even married ones!

    This does not lead to hell fire, damnation, insanity, disease, sickness and death.

    Having another man fuck your husband sounds like a great way to spend Saturday night. This could be a real hoot and a holler. Exciting for all involved. Growthful, fun, adventurous and sexy.

    You say: “I don’t want to share my husband with anyone, man or women and I feel that if this were to happen, it would be the end to our amazing marriage. ”

    To this I answer: BULLSHIT.

    If your marriage is so amazing, your love so deep, your devotion so true, you have nothing to worry about. Period. Certainly not having a man consensually stick his penis in your husband’s ass.

    This most assuredly will NOT rock your marriage. It may rock your puritan world view; it may make you question ideas of love, sex and marriage, but it most definitely will not be a threat to your relationship.

    Sex is not love. Sex can be fun and satisfying without love. Sex can be exciting and stimulating and fulfilling, without love, just as love can be deep and full and rich, without sex.

    In order to do this responsibly, the man will put a piece of latex/rubber over his penis, thus preventing the sharing of bodily fluids. This thing is called a condom. Using one of these cuts out 96% of all the nasties out there, and reduces the risk of exposure to most other types of infections.

    And let me remind you that these are now referred to as “Sexually Transmitted Infections” because they are infections, not diseases. Even HIV is no longer the death threat it once was. None of these is lethal.

    So put away your church mouse uniform and get out the black boots, strap-on and whip, and get his ass in the air with a hot hung bull to come and fuck him like the little bitch he is.

    Of course he’s your little bitch Angelee. He knows it; you know it; we know it. That’s all that matters here.

    Hope that helped.


  8. Angelee9377
    25 November, 2015 at 15:41

    Ok, here’s the thing, my husband isn’t attracted to men but he loves anal. Does this make him Bi? I don’t know, nor do I care. I love him no matter what. He meantioned to me that he would like to have a man penetrate him to see what it’s like compared to a toy. Here’s my problem, I don’t want to share my husband with anyone, man or women and I feel that if this were to happen, it would be the end to our amazing marriage. We really do have an amazing marriage. He’s my best friend and we have a very open communication. I do not judge him for these feelings. I just tell him my concerns. Having sex with someone other than you life long partner, is cheating no matter what. Plus, I don’t want to contract any STD’s from some stranger. If you have any comments, feel free to try and justify my feelings.

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