You and Your Sexuality Are One

You cannot separate your sexuality desire, from yourself. It’s not like you are over here, and your sexuality is over there, on the other side of the room, or in the closet, although many of us live this way.

We are taught that sex is secondary to love, and that loving someone emotionally is the most important part of any relationship. The story tells us that sex fades, but love goes on forever.

This is not true. For many people sexual desire does not fade at all, but love most assuredly does.

In an attempt to acknowledge the power of sex and sexual desire, we pull sex into the fray by proclaiming that it does not have any meaning, any validity, any value unless it is accompanied by love.

Otherwise, “it’s just sex.”

And so the inner conflict begins between base sexual desire, which is seen as “merely physical,” and the importance of emotional connection, which is seen as spiritual, and therefore elevated.

But what you will discover, if you have not done so already, is that authentic sexual expression is a vital part of personal fulfillment and relationship harmony – just as important as the expression of spiritual love, intimacy, connection, or anything else.

Feeling sexually unfulfilled is as difficult to bear as feeling emotionally unloved. Both are required, just like so many other elements of life are required to feel content and complete.

We freely acknowledge the need for continual growth, challenge, and change in the intellectual, creative, professional aspects of our lives – but not in our sexuality. We believe that this is set at some point, and so it shall remain for a lifetime. This is not the case.

Because of our beliefs around the invalidity of sex to begin with, sexual growth, exploration and change are deemed unnecessary. We fight against our own authentic sexual expression because we do not believe in its validity. Yet at the same time, we cannot deny its power.

Oftentimes it feels as if our sexuality is discovering us, rather we discovering it. And rightly so. Thoughts, feelings, desires rise unbidden from unknown, deeper portions of the self. This is what the process of living is all about: discovering and rediscovering Who You Really Are, and then learning to express that as authentically as possible at every moment of the day.

It’s what we all strive for, consciously or not.

Confusion is the result of the disagreement between what we know to be true, and what we assumed about ourselves – especially around our sexuality.

Fighting against your own sexual expression is fighting against yourself. Bringing together the disparate elements of the self is the lifelong process Carl Jung referred to as “individuation”. The process of becoming Who You Really Are.

This process of self-discovery most definitely includes your sexuality. And not as a nice-to-have, but as a necessary part of your personhood.

The reason the pull forward authentic sexual expression is so compelling, so strong that people are willing to risk their lives to do so on a daily basis, is that this is nothing less than your own authentic self-expression: you being you, without restrictions or limits.

It is normal, natural, healthy and satisfying to acknowledge and allow your sexual expression to shift and change and evolve along with the rest of you.

Accepting, loving, supporting, experiencing what it’s like to live the entirety of You means you must befriend your sexuality; love and acknowledge it as a vital part of yourself, just like all your other wonderful qualities.

Sex is important. Treat it as such. Respect yourself, and others, by respecting your sexuality.


2 Responses to You and Your Sexuality Are One

  1. Marco
    29 May, 2017 at 16:07

    Dear John,

    Thanks for reaching out to me with this comment on my blog.

    Although you would like to see yourself as an atheist, you still have very deeply-held Christian beliefs.

    You are in conflict with these beliefs, and your sexuality. At the moment you are having trouble reconciling Who You Really Are, with these Christian values of family, manhood, sexuality, monogamy.

    You feel lost, because you do not know from which belief system to choose: Christian, or your authentic desire for self-expression and your “atheistic” beliefs.

    Let me clarify:

    There is nothing wrong with sex. In fact sex is a necessary and vital aspect of our personality. Your desire for man2man sexual expression is one and the same as your desire to be authentic, to live authentically, and to express yourself in all your unique glory.

    This includes your sexuality and your desire for sexual exploration.

    As such, you need to pursue these desires. You need to pursue them regardless of your feelings of love for this woman, or this man, or this doctrine.

    In order to feel good about yourself, your life, your loves, your commitments to children, family etc., you need to be honest with the world.

    And therein lies the conflict: you do not believe you can be honest and authentic, and still have the love and acceptance you desire.

    This is not true.

    You can be yourself, be a good father, good person, be in love relationships with others simultaneously, living your own life in your own way making up your own rules as you go.

    You can do this. You are allowed. If you give yourself permission to do so.

    Remember Mr. Atheist: there are no rules here. We all – Christian, Atheist and all the rest of us alike – make this up as we go. We all subjectively choose our own rules, use our own sources for information, picking and choosing the rules we like, and disregarding the ones we don’t.

    There are no absolutes. Do as you please. Do as you dare.

    There is no conflict with the world around you when you are clear about Who You Really Are, what you really want, how you really want to live: I am a bisexual man who wants a long-term, committed relationship with a woman and who also has the opportunity to explore sexual relations with men.

    John this is not a big deal. It’s very achievable. Very doable. Very fun. Very beneficial.

    What you do with your life is nobody’s business but your own, and those with whom you share it.

    I suggest you stop wringing your hands in fear and concern, and instead stand up on your own two feet and live your own life in your own way on your own terms.

    I wish you all the best in this.

    Kind Regards,


  2. John
    27 May, 2017 at 05:52

    My name is John. I want to thank you for creating an environment that finally lets me feel like I am at peace.
    I am 27 years old and I am bisexual. I have always been attracted to both genders but was raised as a devout non-denominational chrisitian in a church that had a very specific and narrow path toward heaven. I am atheist/agnostic and have finally come to terms with my bisexuality. I have been in a monogamous heterosexual relationship since the age of 20 and have discussed my past relationships and my sexuality (although only within the past year coming to finite terms with it)with my current partner. She accepts the fact that I have had hetero and homo sexual experiences and in her past has had homo sexual relationships of her own but since our relationship began it has been and continues to most comfortably be (for both parties concerned) heterosexual and monogamous. She is most set on raising children together and I was until recently, although we have both waivered, mostly myself with regards to raising children together. I have had gay experiences but never without guilt and without hastily expressed emotions but i feel genuine love for her as she does for me. I don’t want to be a devout husband who eventually strays because of the desires he has always felt. I love her more than any other but i cannot stop thinking of anonymous and passionate gay sex but cannot accept sharing her sexually with others, or myself without her consent. I am lost even with the answers. Thank you and help me, please.

    -John S

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