You cannot separate your sexuality desire, from yourself. It’s not like you are over here, and your sexuality is over there, on the other side of the room, or in the closet, although many of us live this way.
We are taught that sex is secondary to love, and that loving someone emotionally is the most important part of any relationship. The story tells us that sex fades, but love goes on forever.
This is not true. For many people sexual desire does not fade at all, but love most assuredly does.
In an attempt to acknowledge the power of sex and sexual desire, we pull sex into the fray by proclaiming that it does not have any meaning, any validity, any value unless it is accompanied by love.
Otherwise, “it’s just sex.”
And so the inner conflict begins between base sexual desire, which is seen as “merely physical,” and the importance of emotional connection, which is seen as spiritual, and therefore elevated.
But what you will discover, if you have not done so already, is that authentic sexual expression is a vital part of personal fulfillment and relationship harmony – just as important as the expression of spiritual love, intimacy, connection, or anything else.
Feeling sexually unfulfilled is as difficult to bear as feeling emotionally unloved. Both are required, just like so many other elements of life are required to feel content and complete.
We freely acknowledge the need for continual growth, challenge, and change in the intellectual, creative, professional aspects of our lives – but not in our sexuality. We believe that this is set at some point, and so it shall remain for a lifetime. This is not the case.
Because of our beliefs around the invalidity of sex to begin with, sexual growth, exploration and change are deemed unnecessary. We fight against our own authentic sexual expression because we do not believe in its validity. Yet at the same time, we cannot deny its power.
Oftentimes it feels as if our sexuality is discovering us, rather we discovering it. And rightly so. Thoughts, feelings, desires rise unbidden from unknown, deeper portions of the self. This is what the process of living is all about: discovering and rediscovering Who You Really Are, and then learning to express that as authentically as possible at every moment of the day.
It’s what we all strive for, consciously or not.
Confusion is the result of the disagreement between what we know to be true, and what we assumed about ourselves – especially around our sexuality.
Fighting against your own sexual expression is fighting against yourself. Bringing together the disparate elements of the self is the lifelong process Carl Jung referred to as “individuation”. The process of becoming Who You Really Are.
This process of self-discovery most definitely includes your sexuality. And not as a nice-to-have, but as a necessary part of your personhood.
The reason the pull forward authentic sexual expression is so compelling, so strong that people are willing to risk their lives to do so on a daily basis, is that this is nothing less than your own authentic self-expression: you being you, without restrictions or limits.
It is normal, natural, healthy and satisfying to acknowledge and allow your sexual expression to shift and change and evolve along with the rest of you.
Accepting, loving, supporting, experiencing what it’s like to live the entirety of You means you must befriend your sexuality; love and acknowledge it as a vital part of yourself, just like all your other wonderful qualities.
Sex is important. Treat it as such. Respect yourself, and others, by respecting your sexuality.