“If I told you things I did before, told you how I used to be
Would you go along with someone like me
If you knew my story word for word, had all of my history
Would you go along with someone like me”
Lyrics from “Young folks“, by Peter Bjorn and John
The reason so many bisexuals hide their true desires, thoughts, feelings is because they believe their authentic self-expression will ruin any chance they have of finding a loving, strong, heathy, sustainable relationship.
Many bisexuals firmly believe that the answer to the above questions posed by Peter Bjorn and John is “No”: if you knew my story word for word, knew all of my history, you would not want to go along with someone like me. In which case it becomes clear that if I am to find love in this life, I must try to be someone else: someone who is loveable.
Unfortunately, the opposite it true: your only chance of finding a loving, strong, healthy, sustainable relationship is to own Who You Really Are, and communicate this to the best of your ability, including sexual wants/needs/desires, no matter how sporadic, incomprehensible, or unpredictable these are.
Why does this seem to be such a difficult thing for bisexuals?
Bisexuals for the most part are buried under mountains of shame and guilt for Who We Really Are. Because our inner conflict is around sexual desire, we believe it is not important – should not be important. It is “only sex”, after all. Love is what counts. Not sex. Sex is love’s dirty little sibling. There is so much more to a relationship – to being human – than sex!
And so we push back against our sexuality – our own selves, as they are inseparable:
“I am not really bisexual. I don’t really feel what I do. I certainly don’t want to feel the way I do. It’s obviously not acceptable, normal, right or good to feel what I do. It is clear that there is something wrong with me because I feel these things, and if people really knew me they would not want to go along with me.
I’m sure I can figure this out on my own, privately, and once I do I will be able to cure myself of… Who I Really Am! I will learn to be someone else. Someone more acceptable to others. And until then I can keep these unruly, disruptive desires down and hidden by the sheer force of my will. I will vanquish myself, and come out the victor!
But until then, I will keep this terrible defect a deep, dark secret.”
The good news is that you do not need a cure for Who You Really Are, because there is nothing wrong with Who You Really Are.
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This must be the starting point of any sustainable, fulfilling, contented relationship: authentic self-expression, including sex and sexuality. These are not “nice-to-haves” in a relationship – they are mandatory. Sex is important. Sexual needs/wants/desires are important. Sexual expression is important. And acknowledging these is vital, especially if you are in it for the long-haul.
Now to be clear, authentic sexual self-expression is not an issue specific to bisexuals. Monosexuals face the same challenges and run into the same problems of getting needs met, communicating authentic desire, finding sustainable satisfaction.
The difference is, monosexuals do not feel ashamed about Who They Really Are. They may be ashamed of how they’ve acted, but it is their actions which may be the problem, not their selves: I’ve done something wrong, as opposed to I Am Something Wrong.
There is only one solution in all this, for bisexuals, monosexuals, asexuals, pansexuals, transexual and every other type of human being: to love and accept yourself for who and what you really are.
We all need to acknowledge that no matter who we are, there will be those who are attracted by us, and those who are not. It is those who are open and accepting of the wonder which is You to whom you need direct your attention.
“But no one would ever love me if they knew Who I Really Am!” you cry.
I’m here to tell you that no one will ever truly love You unless they know who you truly are. This is very difficult to believe if you do not feel this way about yourself, however.
Remember: no matter who you are, you can always find a dance partner. There are others who will delight in the wonder which is you. And you will find these people by being yourself.
Eventually you will meet others who will respond to you as Peter Bjorn and John do in the song:
“I would go along with someone like you
It doesn’t matter what you did, who you were hanging with
We could stick around and see this night through”
All you have to do is feel the same way. About yourself. Can you see this thing – your life – through, as yourself?
And you may as well be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.