How to Support Your Bisexual Husband, Wife, Partner

“I think my husband may be bisexual. What do I do?”

“My wife has recently admitted she is bisexual. Does this mean she’ll leave me?”

I get many letters from all kinds of people – gay, straight, men, women, and everything in between – who suspect their husbands, wives, partners may be secretly bisexual, or have discovered that they are bisexual.

What can you do as a spouse or partner to help your bisexual mate?

The first thing is to understand that bisexuality is not a death sentence. It need not be a relationship-ending fork in the road. Nor does it mean that your partner has been lying to you all this time, either.

Unlike other sexual orientations, bisexual desire often rises up from some unknown source, usually unbidden, insinuating itself into the otherwise calm waters of the unsuspecting person’s psyche.

I told my wife that I’d had sexual experiences with men as soon as we started sleeping together. I did not identify as bisexual at the time, however. Back then (it’s been over 20 years) I defined my experiences with men during my teens and twenties as “experimentation,” the end result of which was my conclusion that I am straight, pretty much.

For the first 12 years of our marriage I did not have a single bisexual urge. Nothing. I was a heterosexual man, married with two kids. And then one morning I awoke to find that it had come back. The only way to describe it would be to say that my bisexuality had been in remission. Along with this unexpected, renewed desire for men came all my old questions: Why now? What does this mean? And the most damaging of them all: What’s wrong with me?

Through my counselling practice and the support groups I organize and facilitate, I’ve since heard many other bisexuals express the same thoughts, having gone through a similar line of questioning. I’ve heard how an early childhood trauma may have caused their bisexuality; an abusive or distant parent; an inadvertent encounter which had left an indelible stain.

When I recently brought these ideas up to a counsellor who deals with childhood abuse, he responded to me by saying: “Why is it heterosexual survivors of childhood abuse don’t blame their heterosexuality on the abuse?”

There is a pervasive belief among bisexuals that there must be a reason for our bisexual urges, the underlying belief being there is something wrong with our desires: “This must be a pathology of some kind,” we think. “Somewhere along the way my wires must have gotten crossed. All I have to do is find out how this disconnect came about, and I’ll be cured!” That’s what I thought.

This, despite study after study that shows there are many more self-identified monosexuals who have bisexual leanings than not, and that bisexuals in fact comprise the largest group within the LGBT crowd.

As previously discussed, bisexuals have much higher levels of anxiety, depression, self harm and suicidality than any other sexual orientation. One of the biggest sources of these internal stressors for bisexuals is the conflict between coming out as bisexual, or questioning, or confused, to a spouse or partner.

“This is not what I signed up for!” one woman told her wife upon discovering she is bisexual. Would she have responded the same way had she learned her wife had cancer? Or was dealing with depression? Or had lost her job?

Of all the unexpected circumstances which take us by surprise along the road through life, bisexuality is not something to fear.

Here are some tips on what you can do if you discover your partner is bisexual:

  1. It’s important to recognize and understand how difficult it is for bisexuals to open up about their feelings – especially to loved ones: they do not want to lose you, but fear they will. Intimacy is created by revealing secret, often scary aspects of ourselves to another. Opening up and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in this way is a huge risk. Please honour the courage it takes to do this, and the trust required on their part. Treat him/her with respect, love, caring, sympathy.
  1. Acceptance is the biggest issue for bisexuals, with self-acceptance being the most difficult. Once a person comes to accept his/her bisexuality, the next hurdle is gaining acceptance by close friends and loved ones. As a spouse/partner, it is vital that you reassure your partner that you love him/her regardless, and that you are willing to work this through, together.
  1. Do not take your partner’s bisexuality personally. It is not about you. It is not about something you did or did not do or say or think. Refrain from blaming yourself or your partner: there is no need for blame.
  1. Keep the lines of communication wide open. Take an interest in what has been going on with your partner internally. Be proactive and brave enough to discuss the details without anger or resentment: ask questions about the nature of his/her desire; how long it’s been going on; what – if anything – they’d like to do; if they’ve already done some experimenting.
  1. See this as an opportunity for both of you to live with greater authenticity, rather than a burden. Change is the only constant in your life. Having a bisexual partner can lead to all kinds of new, exciting, unexpected experiences. It can be a time to deepen and strengthen your relationship; renew your interest in each other; allow for your own pent-up sexual desires to come forth.

Here is an excerpt from an email I received recently from Gary, in the UK:
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“I am a married bisexual man and came out to my wife (of 27 years this year) around 8 years ago when I was 46…. Much of what I’ve read on your site strikes a very loud chord with me and I count myself to be very lucky to be married to a woman that has not only been involved in the facilitation of my journey over the last 8 years, but has expressed on numerous occasions that I am a better person now that I am able to fully own my sexuality. In her words, I am flourishing!”

Of the couples who stay together despite the admission of bisexuality – even if it’s after the marriage – many report the same kinds of mutually-beneficial experiences. There is nothing more enjoyable than a spouse who is happy, healthy, authentic, and thriving.

  1. It’s important to understand that not everyone who identifies as bisexual feels the need to act on it. So nothing more need happen other than your partner has come to realize this. I’ve met self-identified bisexuals who have never had sexual relations with the “other” sex (depending if they are gay/straight). Nor do they feel the need to. It is enough for them to know and to acknowledge publicly that they have the potential for sexual and intimate connections with both (all) sexes.

During a book signing I was doing for “Confessions of a Bisexual Husband”, one male/female couple in their forties sat next to me to tell me their story: ten years before, when they’d just started going out, the man was determined to start their relationship on a solid footing. He called the woman, his voice shaking, his terror palpable to her: “I have something I need to tell you,” he said.

“What is it?” she asked, scared and concerned, wondering if this was it.

He hemmed and hawed, until he finally came out and said it: “You need to know that I’m bisexual,” he said, waiting for her to hang up.

“Okay. Is that it?” she asked, confused.

“Yeah, that’s it,” he said, equally as perplexed. “You don’t think it’s a big deal?” he asked.

“I love you and I want to be with you. I thought you were going to tell me you had a terminal disease and only had a little time left, or you didn’t like me and you wanted to break up. You sure that’s all you want to say?” she pressed.

They’ve been together ever since. We all go through difficult times with family members, partners, friends. An admission of bisexuality need not be one of those times.

Acknowledging the ability to form intimate emotional and/or physical connections regardless of sex or gender is a beautiful thing. We could all benefit by allowing ourselves that much potential for love. I suggest you follow your bisexual partner’s lead by taking their hand and willingly, lovingly, happily, enthusiastically walking with them through this adventure we call life, and be open to whatever may come.


248 thoughts on “How to Support Your Bisexual Husband, Wife, Partner

  1. Hi Mark,

    My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for 3.
    He has had a sexual relationship with a man. The rest of the time he was with women, but he told me he’s definitely bi. He says 40% into men 60% into women… lol and figured that out from 1 time of being with a man.
    I feel like eventually, he will need more than me even though we are experimenting with toys and all that. He says he will never need anything more than me but said his bi desires are always there, of course. I guess I need to ask him the details of what he means. Does he want to receive it or give it? Is it that he wants or will eventually want a man’s body?

    How do I prepare myself for the moment he tells me that he wants to be with a man? Is that even possible? We have two kids and I couldn’t stand it if I were just stuck at home with them knowing that’s what he’s out doing even if I gave my approval. How do people simply not have a problem with it?



    1. Dear Em,

      Thanks for this letter.

      Bisexuality does not imply nor require non-monogamy. Many bisexuals are happily monogamous. Many heterosexuals are not.

      Some woman’s straight husband may admit that he loves large-breasted women, although his wife has small breasts. Does this mean that one day he will eventually succumb to his desire for large breasts? Maybe. Maybe not.

      Should she be concerned about it?

      We all have a variety of desires, some of which we want to explore in physical reality, some not. Furthermore, as we go through the life process, these desires morph and transform, as do we.

      Your husband may be a high-rolling Wall Street Broker who suddenly decides to chuck it all and join Greenpeace. At that point you may be wishing that all he wanted to do was go out and roll around in the sack with another guy for an hour or two, rather than upheave all of your lives.

      One thing I can tell you for certain: both you and your husband will be different people in 20 years from now, when both your kids have moved out, let’s say.

      Your fear of sitting at home while he’s out having sex is unfounded. It is a jealous reaction, when none is required.

      Jealousy is the result of feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and low-self esteem.

      All of these issues come down to this: they are forming blockages of intimacy, love and ultimately happiness within each of you and between the two of you.

      The real issue is your ability to love each other. This means you are able to love yourselves enough to allow for a life together filled with joy, mutual-respect, appreciation, support, growth, adventure, exploration, creativity, fulfillment.

      Let me be clear: ANY issue which gets in the way of loving each other is an excuse to disallow love.

      His discussion of bisexuality feels like he is lying in bed with one foot on the floor, just in case. You too have a foot on the floor as a result of his admission.

      Doing the math of your relationship it seems as if you have both been dancing around ideas of commitment, marriage, monogamy, and your love for each other: together for 4, married for 3, with a couple of kids means it is highly likely you were pregnant before being married.

      What is much, much more important than what may happen one day down the road, or whether your marriage will be life-long (which is every married person’s concern), is what is happening right at this very moment.

      At this very moment there is distrust between you; there are fears as to the viability of your relationship, the level of commitment, of love.

      When I said, “love yourselves enough,” what I meant was that in order to be happy, content, fulfilled, one must love and accept one’s life right now, which also requires one to accept oneself, right now:

      I am happy with who I am, with the husband I have chosen, with the circumstances which I have currently created for myself. I love this adventure I am on called life; love the potentialities before me; love the experiences behind me; love all that has gone on before in order to create who I am at this very moment.

      With this attitude you can both look to each other, hand-in-hand, and joyously move through your lives together, confident that whatever challenges come your way – and come they will, as you can see – you will be able to navigate them together; to deal with them individually, and as a couple.

      These challenges will not challenge your love for each other or your lives together, but only inspire your spirit of adventure and your determination to meet your life head-on.

      It is time to get serious about love, trust, and your happiness together.

  2. Hi Mark
    I do really relate to a lot of things you have written about on your blog, I’m 40 and always struggled with being Bisexual. I met my wife when I was 18 within 6 months she was pregnant 6 months later I came out to her as Bisexual. We went on to get married and all was ok, we had been married for 7 years when I had my first episode and this was due to me meeting a guy who I fell for, I told my wife about him and we split up as I wanted to explore these feelings, this guys was gay and out and also treated me really bad taking what he wanted when he wanted and with me not getting the best experience from it all.
    I quickly realised I did not like it it did not want it and felt alone and I became depressed with all the confusion and self Louth. My wife and I worked things out and we eventually got back together. We are now coming up to our 20th wedding anniversary over the years since me and my wife got back together if I would think about men I would watch gay porn and please myself and that’s always satisfied my want for men2men contact but just lately it’s gone a little further, I have been wanting something more real other then porn. My relationship with my wife is good I’m satisfied with my marriage and sex with my wife but it’s as tho I’m 2 people I’m split in half one side of me is good the other side of me is not. One day I want my wife the next day I want a man. I’m struggling with this, I don’t understand it all, my wife has been great and really supportive but I feel guilty for putting her through all this, before I can expect her to understand I need to understand why I feel like this !! If I could cut my left arm off and it be gone I would do it Ina heart beat ??
    I know they only way forward is to accept myself but how can I do that???
    Thanks so much Ashley

    1. Dear Ashley,

      It is not possible to win a war against yourself. At the moment you are at war with your self: you have strong beliefs about what it means to be a husband, father, man.

      However Who You Really Are does not agree with these arbitrary rules you’ve set up for yourself, and refuses to adhere to these beliefs.

      Who is right? The part of you that believes you must be in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship to be right and good, or your true nature, which desires personal connections that do not fit into the rules you have made for yourself?

      It’s as if you are saying to yourself, “I want to be this kind of man,” and yourself is replying, “But you are not.” And you respond, “Yes I am!” And it responds, “No you are not!”

      Weary from the struggle, you become exasperated with yourself, as you see no way out of this conundrum.

      Again: you cannot win this battle. You cannot force yourself to be a person you are not.

      It’s as if you believe that a man should be six feet tall, and every morning you wake up disgusted with yourself because you are still only five foot two: “What am I doing to do with myself! I’m supposed to be six feet and still, again, today, I find myself lacking at my lowly five foot two stature.”

      And now you have written to me, asking for help. “Dear Mark, What am I to do about being only five foot two? How can I ever find peace and happiness in my life when my height is so lacking? Try as I may to grow taller, it does not work. I cannot seem to get any higher than five foot two. Woe is me!”

      It takes courage, inner strength, and a huge leap of faith to stand up to the entire world around you (and yourself!) and say, “This is who I am! Love me or leave me, that is up to you, but I cannot do anything about my true nature.”

      So the question is, what is so wrong about being bisexual? What is so wrong about needing to have some kind of man2man interaction in your life, along with your heterosexual relationship?

      What is so wrong about being Ashley and learning to express Ashley as Ashley wants to be expressed?

      What is the crime here, other than being five foot two?

      So yes, self-acceptance. It is the most difficult task we all have before us. The world has 8 billion people living within it, and there are 8 billion different ways of going about this thing we call life.

      As hard as it is to believe in this day and age of hyper-judgmentalism, there is no right or wrong way to live. I repeat: there is no right or wrong way to live.

      I will tell you Ashley that the only limitation you see is that which you put on yourself. It is possible to be happy, be fulfilled, be at peace with yourself as a bisexual.

      But first you must decriminalize this in your own mind. First, you must say to yourself, “I may only be five foot two, but that does not mean I cannot be happy.”

      You must let go of wanting to be six feet.

      Or not. Or continue waking up every morning with the taste of self-disgust in your mouth upon realizing once again that you are still only five foot two.

      This is how we choose happiness over discontent. This is how we create the reality we want for ourselves. This is how we find peace.

      The choice is yours.

      I wish you well.


  3. Hello,

    My boyfriend of 6 years has just come out to me as bisexual. He had a sexual relationship with a man, his best friend, 8 years ago, and I am finding it hard to come to terms with. He says he loves me and would always want to be with me and only me but from reading the comments here it sounds like most bisexual people do need to experience sex with both male and female people in order to be happy. Will I therefore get hurt in the end? I cannot be in a relationship in which my partner sleeps with other people, and although he reassures me he wouldn’t, he has said he loved the sex with a man and wants to embrace that side of him. Can you offer any advice? I’m afraid I have lost the trust in him and after 6 years am worried he will hurt me

    1. Dear Michelle,

      Let me reassure you right now: you will be hurt.
      Regardless of the sex, gender, or sexual orientation of your partner, and regardless of your relationship type, you will be hurt.
      Getting hurt is part of life.
      Unexpected things happen. People change. Circumstances change. You change.
      Can you avoid all this? No. It is unavoidable.
      You can remain single and solitary on an island, but that is quite painful too.
      From the sound of it you are already hurt. Your trust has already been broken. Your doubts and fears, already come to life.
      And as a Thai woman who recently gave me a very painful massage – despite my asking for no pain – said to me afterward: “You see? You no die.”
      Getting hurt is not the issue: trust is. As well as your own needs and wants.
      What you seem to be saying is, I do not want to be in any kind of non-monogamous relationship.
      This is valid. This is your lifestyle choice. I suggest you honour yourself and your own needs.
      As such, your current boyfriend is not for you.
      Again, from a few lines of an email, it sounds as if your guy will eventually, one day – maybe not tomorrow, or next year, or next decade, but one day, he will want to itch the scratch which has been bothering him: he will want to sleep with men.
      Now there is no reason for this to “hurt” you.
      It is entirely possible for you to be unhurt by this. Many are. Especially if you prepare for it now. No lying, no cheating, no going behind your back, etc.
      But you state quite clearly that, “I cannot be in a relationship in which my partner sleeps with other people….”
      Again: honour your own needs here.
      If monogamy is important to you, then I would say look elsewhere.
      However, let me remind you that heterosexual women and men sleep with others behind their partner’s backs daily. Sexual orientation is not a cause nor a cure for infidelity.
      Do not fear being hurt. It is often our most painful moments that lead to our greatest.
      In fact, do not fear anything. Instead, step boldly forth into your life, jumping off each new cliff as it comes, with joy and abandon.
      This includes knowing when to cut your losses and head out for more satisfying unions.

      I wish you all the best in this,


  4. Dear Mark,

    I stumbled across your page while trying to find some advise online as to what do with my current situation and thought your perspective could possibly help me in some way! I’ll start off by saying that I am a married man who is bi sexual and my wife is aware of this. When I was younger I started messing around with other guys in high school and enjoyed it but deep down was unaccepting of the fact the I was bi. I repressed these feelings so deep down that I though I could bury them and they would just go away partially due to how I was raised and partially due to wanting myself to be “normal”. I eventually started dating one of my best friends and we ended up getting married and life was good! Not long into my marriage these feelings starting coming back and I didn’t know what to do with them since I was married to a woman after all! I eventually started using gay hookup apps and would periodically hook up with other gay or bi men without my wife knowing. My wife and I would separate a couple times in our marriage due to the fact that I was unsure of what I wanted. I eventually told my wife that I thought I may be bi and she was very understanding and supportive of the situation. We separated once again and I started seeing a guy for about a month and a half. I really enjoyed spending time with this guy and developed feelings for him but after time I started missing my wife dearly and wanted to be with her again because I couldn’t bare the fact of her being with another man. After about 4 years of marriage I couldn’t handle all of the guilt and secrets anymore and eventually came out to my wife and talked to her about everything that I had done. This was the beginning of a very rocky road, my wife was devastated that I lied about so much and felt as if she didn’t really know me because of how well I had hidden this from her. It took a while before she agreed to give our marriage another chance but she agreed and I promised to do everything in my power to make it right and to improve our marriage! We had talked about an open marriage but if that were the case she wanted to be with other men and I couldn’t handle the thought of that because I looked at it as she is my only woman and I wanted to be her only man so we dropped it. Things were great, I accepted myself for who I was for the first time ever and felt as if everything was going to be okay! We have 1 child together and another on the way. We love each other very much and couldn’t imagine living without each other but after a couple of months my feelings and desires to be with others men have greatly manifested. I’m finding it difficult to sort through my feelings as to what I truly want. I love her very much and we have a great relationship and sex life but I am finding it hard to figure this thing out. I want to be with her but at the same time I can’t imagine myself suppressing these feelings the rest of my life. We are both aware that I am attracted to men much more than women. I feel if I leave I will deeply regret it but feel if I stay I’m going to struggle with this my whole life. Dont know how to deal with this.

    1. Dear John,

      You seem to find yourself in quite the imbroglio. You feel as if you are bound, and unable to make a move in any direction without dire, lifelong consequences.

      This is an illusion.

      It is no more real than the story of a man who has found true love with a woman, begun a family, has been on a journey of self-discovery, finding all kinds of interesting and enjoyable aspects to his self, sexuality, and desires for expression he wants to pursue throughout his life.

      I’d like you to keep the following things in perspective:

      – “The rest of your life” is a long time. It is not possible at the age of 35 to know who you will be and what you will want when you are 55. Do not think in terms of “the rest of your life”.

      I guarantee you this, in writing: things will change. Constantly.

      – Childrearing is a temporary stage of life. Raising children does not go on forever. At this point my son is 21, daughter 20. They are both off living their own lives. One is now in Peru, the other tree planting.

      There will come a time once again that you will be free to pursue your sexual desires with abandon.

      Your partner is pregnant, you have small kids: this is a priority.

      – The pressures of having young children, the commitment they require and the constraints they put on the lives of their parents often create strong responses within the parents.

      It is quite common for strong urges to be present during this stage. Your time, your days, your life is completely consumed by these small creatures. The need for freedom and space is nearly unbearable, and often manifests in sexual desire.

      Add to the issue the fact that your wife is not in a highly sexual state, and that sex is not optimal at this time, and you end up with a mass of uncontrollable sexual urges on your part.

      Knowing that one day you will have the freedom to express these to your heart’s content may help alleviate some of the pressure.

      And if not, then you and your wife can come to an agreement. It may mean she has a lover on the side.

      This is something you need to get a hold of. In my opinion, she has every right to have sexual relations with other men this very instant, as you have already created the paradigm where it is permissible to go outside your marriage for sex.

      If you have agreed to put all that in the past, and have agreed to remain monogamous, then that is what you must do.

      There is nothing to fear in your own desires. They will come and they will go. Yes. They will go eventually.

      I suggest you focus on your wife and your kids. Put the man2man thing on hold.

      All the best,


  5. Dear Mark,
    I stumbled across your page when searching for answers and experiences that are similar to mine. About a year or so into my relationship my boyfriend said he had a secret he had never shared with anyone. I was a little nervous about what he was going to share but not entirely surprised when he told me before meeting me he received oral sex with another man. I told me I was happy he felt comfortable to share it with me and he said he was glad I did not shame him for it. He told me he would never act on cheating with someone behind my back but was would be interested in a threesome with another man and myself. I wasnt totally opposed to the idea but also unsure if I would freak out either. We have not followed through with it yet but have talked to someone about the possibility. At first it was exciting but now that it becoming more real I’m scared. The reason I am now more apprehensive is because it seems that whenever we had sex it is bedroom talk about how he wants to see another guy with me or how he wants to exchange oral with another man and all of us pleasured. This talk happens now every time we have sex. It makes me wonder and uncomfortable that he can’t perform without it as though I no longer turn him on, I worry I am a cover for what he really is interested in as what man would be comfortable seeing his girlfriend have sex with another man who supposiy loves.I’m struggling with these questions to the point that is always in the back of my mind.
    I appreciate and look forward to your response.
    Thank you.

    1. Dear Sherry,

      Thank you for reaching out to me with this comment on my blog.

      Couple things:

      1. Your bf is a little obsessed at the moment. This is normal and natural when considering possbily acting out a new and exciting sexual fantasy.

      I assure you this will eventually calm down. If not after the first threesome, then certainly after the 51st, lol! Just kidding.

      But he will eventually come back down to earth.

      2. Your bf is not being totally honest with you. Every bi guy who’s ever written to me, and every wife of said bi guy, ALWAYS claims to have received a blowjob, as receiving one is much less “gay” than giving one.

      However, in my experience – including my own personal experience, if a man is with a female partner, he’s not going to risk his relationship, his marriage, his life to have a guy put his mouth on his dick.

      No. The desire to be with men is usually the other way around: the desire to suck cock! That’s why they must go outside their relationship, because cock is something they cannot get at home.

      I suggest you delve more deeply into his sexual history. It is likely there is more yet to come.

      3. Exploration of any kind, including sexual exploration, is just that: an exploration. You do not know what you will discover once you go there, which is the whole idea! You want to find new things, or see if there are any different things which interest or entice you.

      What I would like to say about seeing your partner having sex with another person – man or woman, is that it will not be what you expect. On one hand it is really quite banal: a man with another man’s penis in his mouth.

      I think it will help you to “normalize” the entire thing. That’s what happened to my wife: she too was concerned about how she’d feel, but once it happened she realized it was no big deal at all.

      How you react will be unique to you, and you may have a wide spectrum of thoughts and feelings too.

      Keep this in mind:

      – you are exploring, which means you are on a trip of discovery. You will discover some things you like, and some things you don’t, and you need not commit to any of them.

      – It’s only sex! Nothing weird or scary: just bodies doing what comes naturally: making them feel good in all kinds of strange and unique ways. There ought not be any moral judgement attached to this either.

      – part of our internal homophobia is to see men who have sex with other men as feminine. This is utterly false. Many guys are attracted to the masculine in other men. There is nothing more masculine than two big burly muscle guys going at it. Not a drop of feminine energy there.

      – you may need some time to process, before and after. Watch some gay porn so you get used to seeing guys having sex together.

      – consider what kinds of qualities you like about a man, and then consider how you view these if the man also likes having sex with other men.

      As far as “what man would be comfortable watching another man have sex with his girlfriend,” the answer is: Many!

      This is a very common scenario, and one which usually benefits the woman more than anyone esle, because no matter how bi the guys are, by the end of the night it’s always about the lady.

      Enjoy this experience. Allow it unfold, discuss often, fear little.

      Kind Regards,


  6. Hi Mark. I love my fluid boyfriend who was honest about his bi oral experience and desires from yhe beginning of our friendship and into our now partnership. I accept him for the beautiful person he is and knowing he was lonely for male friendship introduced him to another fluid married man. They have regular oral play and I am so happy for him. My concern is that he cannot orgasm through lovemaking or oral with me although he does with his mate. I know he loves me and has expressed that he has sexual boundaries and no romantic interest in men. How do I work with my beautiful man to obtain intimacy?

    1. Dear Donna,

      Thank you for this lovely comment on my blog.
      I am so appreciative of the love you have for your partner and your encouragement of his sexual exploration. Thank you, from all of us!

      As for his inability to ejaculate with you…

      First I’d like to make it clear that men can orgasm without ejaculating. Few people know this – including most men! So ejaculation is not a measure one’s pleasure. Men can also have very pleasurable, fulfilling, satisfying sexual experiences without ejaculating.

      I practise ejaculation control, and will have a lot of sex for days without ejaculating. Yes, I am doing this consciously, but I want to to make it clear that ejaculation is not a valid measurement of pleasure, excitement, fulfillment, intimacy or love.

      Like with many women who do not regularly “orgasm” during intercourse or during sex with a partner, this does not diminish the sexual experience in any way; nor does it mean she doesn’t love him; nor is it the result of her partner’s lack, failing, or inability.

      The real issue here is yours Donna, not his: you have decided to use his ejaculation as a form of measurement for your level of intimacy.

      And now that you’ve discovered he has ejaculated with a man and not with you, there is a temptation to make further assumptions about him – namely around his sexuality – based upon this one metric: maybe he’s really gay, or finds men more sexually exciting, or he has issues with women, which explains the man thing, etc. etc. etc.

      You have decided that you are not going to feel close to him unless and until he is able to ejaculate with you. And not just once either, but regularly. It sounds like what is already happening is, every time you have sex together, from the moment it starts you are thinking about one thing only: can I get him to ejaculate this time? Will he love me fully this time? Will I excite him enough to make him ejaculate this time? Will he be truly intimate with me now?

      Not very sexy, is it? In fact you are putting way too much pressure and focus on this one tiny aspect of the sex act: your entire relationship and depth of love is being measured in ejaculate. If he cums, he loves you; if he doesn’t, you have issues!

      I can tell you Donna that nothing inhibits ejaculation more than feeling pressured to ejaculate; feeling as if your entire relationship depends on you being able to shoot is not fun. Failure to do so then further nurtures feelings of inadequacy, deficiency, self-doubt and failure in him – every time you have sex.

      You asked the question: “How do I work with my beautiful man to obtain intimacy?” But what you really meant was: how do I get my man to ejaculate? He does it with guys but not with me.

      So here is the recipe for greater intimacy:

      1. Stop using his ejaculation as a form of measurement. Period. Forget about his ejaculation. Let it be. Leave it alone. Stop harassing him about it. Drop the whole issue utterly, now and for good.

      Donna I can tell you that I have let go of the need to make women cum, and in so doing, they cum more, not less.

      As a young man it was a big issue for me to be able to make her cum. I used it as a measure of my own sexual prowess – many men do.

      But orgasm and ejaculation are not the goals of sex. That’s right. Contrary to popular belief, these are not the reason for sex. Nor are they the measure of it. My wife and I can have sex for hours without orgasm. We are not having sex for any particular end. We are not doing this to get to some destination of orgasm. We are doing it because we like the journey; it’s a fun way to spend a Sunday afternoon, or the entire weekend.

      I purposely hold off ejaculating under such conditions. For men ejaculation is the end of sex. If you don’t want it to end, don’t ejaculate. And that’s just what I do.

      2. From now on, your focus during sexual interaction is on building heat, creating excitement, exploring desire, having fun.

      Intimacy is the act of opening up to each other and revealing deeply-held desires, fears, thoughts and feelings. Talking to each other about fantasies, needs and wants, and then exploring these together is how you create intimacy. And in so doing you will expand your sexual interaction together, deepen your connection, love and passion by creating entire worlds of sexual experience which expand far far beyond the miniscule act of watching his penis squirt.

      If you’ve spent two hours rolling around naked together ecstatically, and then eat ice cream in bed and watch TV until 4 in the morning ensconced in love, does anything else matter?

      Focus on exploring your own desires with him, and his desires with you. Focus on sexual exploration. Focus on things which get you both hot. Focus on all the things you love about him, and let the rest flow along at its own pace and rhythm.

      Much love to you,


  7. Oh my. I am glad I found this. I think many of my problems are described in your writing.

    my father died in my teens and not long after my best friend came out as gay. I didnt think much of it for a while. Then I began questioning myself.

    I became depressed as I always thought I was straight. Anyway I met a girl and we clicked, everything worked so to speak and the male desire went away.

    Now 2016, something has happened. I had a poor showing in the bedroom department and I wondered the same thing that I did 15 years ago. Bam! Everything resurfaced.

    I have felt intense anxiety and feel really bad. I suddenly have an attraction to men. But 2 months ago I didnt!?

    I also feel that this overidding urge is torturing me. At the same time I feel my attraction to women has dwindled, but not completely gone. Again the distresses me. Is this a common trait amongst bisexuals?

    I got married without these issues and didnt feel like I was in the closet. I hadnt even thought about it.

    I have a beautiful daughter and another on the way. But everything is tarnished now. I am beside myself and feel suicidal.

    I have mentioned it to my wife and I have been diagnosed with OCD, but this is different. Its not OCD.

    If I told my wife everything I think she would leave me. I am very close with her family as well and feel tremendous guilt. As I said before it came from know where. My life seems to have slipped away and I have lost motivation.

    1. Dear James,

      Thank you for sharing your story with me.
      I empathize, as I have been through similar confusion, for most of my life. Until I came to terms with Who I Really Am, at the age of 47.

      You, like I, are bisexual. And as you have discovered, this means a fluid, shifting sexuality. What I have come to learn in the 7 years since coming out and counselling many hundreds with similar stories, is that contrary to what we all believe, the pain, anguish, discomfort and detrimental affects all stem from repression.

      Bisexuals repress Who They Really Are because we believe this is our best chance at having a “normal” life, wife and kids, etc. However the opposite is true.

      There is one path to sustainability, and that is in authenticity.

      The weakness you describe feeling stems from inauthenticity, from hiding, from pulling away and feeling as if you are shirking your responsibilities.

      As an out bisexual man, I can tell you that I have felt those things, but feel them no longer. My queerness does not detract from my manhood, but adds to it.

      What I discovered is that my life-long discomfort about being around other men did not stem from my sexuality – which is what I had erroneously believed before coming out; instead it stemmed from the hiding, the lying. I, like most other closeted bisexuals, was terrified of being exposed. So hanging around other men meant rambling conversations which could possibly touch on uncomfortable issues from which I might have to hide.

      Owning my sexuality and Who I Really Am means I no longer fear those topics around sex and sexuality. I can joke about them, laugh, not take things personally. I am comfortable with Who I Really Am, which means I don’t care what anyone else may think,

      Now this is a very stressful time with a baby on the way. This type of stress adds a layer of confusion. Because it’s stressful we get strong urges as a way of letting go of pressure. In your case it is sexual pressure which is building, and along with it the pressure to be intimate and loving and supportive of your wife.

      Again, this pressure would be much easier (contrary to what you believe) if you were able to be your authentic self. You would not feel the pressure to hide; the pressure to want to act without her consent; the pressure to love her while still having these feelings.

      My man2man desires can be taken care of at any time, without issue. As a result I have no strong urges distracting me. I’m calm. I’m content. And I can focus on her when I need to, when I want to.

      James at the very least you need to come out to yourself. Acknowledge that you are indeed bisexual, and that you have needs which extend beyond your monogamous union.

      That is step one.

      Deciding what to say to her, when and how is something I cannot speak to in an email.

      I think a session with me would be very beneficial for you. We can discuss these things in detail. I suggest you find someone with whom you can do so, even if it’s not me.

      I do sessions day and night, seven days a week. I can accommodate any time you require. We can do it by phone or Skype, or Google Hangouts.

      I wish you all the best in this. I know it’s hard. Be strong. Be brave.


  8. Dear Mark

    I have read through your website a couple of times since meeting my partner. I discovered quite early things that made me think he was bi but he was adamant he wasn’t. We’ve been together a year and have a fantastic relationship but the only downside was this cloud around his security. Recently I went behind his back and joined a website that he belongs to and he contacted me through it. We’ve had some interesting email conversations in which he’s talked about me and how much he loves me and wouldn’t leave me. Strangely I feel a lot calmer than before I am just sad he didn’t trust me enough to tell me. I know he’s scared of losing me just as I am worried that I will lose him. Since emailing him I’ve sort of had the reassurance I need that he won’t but I don’t want this to be a secret between us. I’m not sure how to get him to tell me and how to get him to realise I’m not going to leave. Yes I’m incredibly jealous that he’s being intimate with someone else and it worries me the impact it might have on our sex life. But we plan to stay together – we’re moving in together with my children in two months and I want it to be a fresh start with no secrets. Any suggestions as to how I handle this would be very welcome.

    I love my partner so much, I don’t want him to hide from me.


    1. Dear Charlotte,

      Thank you so much for this intriguing comment on my blog. If truth be told – and it must! – I have always wanted to write a book with a couple who find one another again in exactly the manner you have undertaken!

      If you want to be creative and romantic, you will continue the dialogue you have begun by email, and work through your current relationship issues in this way. Slowly he will discover that it is you, and that you are leading him to the deepest parts of your heart.

      Okay, now for some feedback of a less romantic variety.

      To answer your questions:

      He does not want to leave you and you don’t wan to leave him. He is afraid of losing you because of his sexuality and you are afraid of losing him because of his sexuality.

      So you see? There are no issues! You both want the same thing: each other.

      As for his sexuality, well there are no issues there either. I would put it this way: he is a bisexual man who needs some kind of man2man interaction in his life in order to be happy. This is not a problem either. It can be very easily accommodated within your relationship.

      The real issue is one of communication.

      There is nothing to gain by being coy and secretive – either of you! If this relationship is to be sustainable, you will both need to trust each other and open up to each other.

      Find some time where to two of you can be alone – no kids, no interruptions. Sit down and tell him all, everything. Every detail. No more games. Only the two of you, truthfully, authentically, baring your souls to each other.

      For your part what is required is that you love and accept him for Who He Really Is, and tell him so clearly. In order for him to feel safe enough to disclose to you fully, you will have to be ready to hear what he has to say without anger or desire for recourse. Instead, offer compassion, understanding, support, and a readiness to meet the challenges of his particular sexuality head-on, together, honestly.

      For his part he must be willing to disclose all to you; to open to you and tell you his inner feelings, conflicts, fears and desires.

      What you both can expect is a big swoop of energy being released, followed by a deeper connection, a renewal of intimacy, and stronger sexual passion with even more love.

      It’s time to open to each other and move to the next level of relationship together.

      These are all very positive changes which will ensure the sustainability of your union. There is nothing to fear and everything to be gained.

      Much love to you both,


  9. Hi
    1astly, thank you for b eing there for bi’s. #aweome

    A few yrs into my marriage, I got really curious as to how and what it would be like, to have oral sex with other men. I kept these feelings under wraps. 5yrs ago, they became too much to contain.
    Very afraid of loosing my wife, I had no choice to come clean and voice to her how I felt. I had oral sex with another married man. My wife was reluctant to give me her “blessing” to go “out and play”.
    I think she just closed her eyes and wished it would go away. Its been 4yrs since I last done it, but it was always present. Recently it emerged again and I could not handle the internal turmoil…felt torn apart and in pieces.
    Luckily for me, she is my best friend. I wanted to act on my bi side, but was afraid of how she would react….
    3weeks ago, I could not stand it anymore. I said to her….”Honey I can’t take this anymore” and told her my feelings. She said if I wanted to “go & play, could and she was fine with it”
    I hooked up with a bi friend and we had oral sex. I know know that I am not just “orally bi”, but totally bi. I did not act on my wanting to have full on bi-sex. But this has made me realize, that I am bi’sexual. I have spent days since this encounter torn apart inside. Coming to terms, that as a husband and father…..I am also bi.
    I feel like there are two me’s. As tho I am split in half. And it is a hard realization to come to terms with. I have opened up 100% to my wife and she says that she loves me and accepts me, for me.
    I do feel as tho im hurting her, and afraid she may walk out with the kids.
    Herein lays my problem. She has accepted me as a bi-husband, but my fear of loosing her and the kids….kills me. I feel as tho I need convincing, that she has accepted me being bi.
    I feel sooooo torn up inside and have conflicting emotions…between am I bi, can I really accept that I am bi. Convincing I am and then doubting it. I am stuck in a state of stasis.

    Please can you help me come to terms with who/what I am. I feel like I have “never met me before!”


    1. Dear Gerry,

      Thanks for reaching out to me with this comment on my blog.

      Self-acceptance is the most difficult aspect of bisexuality for most of us. It’s as if these desires – these aspects of ourselves – rise up unbidden, from unknown sources, forcing us to examine ourselves and re-evaluate our self-perception.

      We impose all kinds of ideas upon ourselves. Ideas about what life is supposed to be; how we are supposed to behave; what it means to be a father, husband, man.

      And then we come up against our Selves: “I feel sooooo torn up inside and have conflicting emotions…between am I bi, can I really accept that I am bi. ”

      Gerry you are utterly tortured because you want to have some man2man sex. I’d like to know why? Why does this impugn and tarnish your character so? What does this reveal about you that is so horrible?

      Your wife sees no such abomination, and you doubt her. Only because you yourself are convinced that you yourself are an abomination; that this base and ugly desire is really unholy and foul, and therefore you are too.

      As a married man who regularly participates in man2man sex, all I can say is, I don’t understand. You want to get it on with guys, as well as with your wife. So? What is the issue?

      You say: “I have spent days since this encounter torn apart inside. Coming to terms, that as a husband and father…..I am also bi. ”

      There is no shame in bisexuality. There is much joy in it; much love; much fulfillment; much connectivity; much opportunity; much cause for celebration and exploration.

      But neither I nor anyone else on the face of the earth can convince you of this.

      It may very well be that your self-perception has shattered to pieces and you are now, for the first time in your life, really wondering who it is staring back at you in the mirror. You really only have two options here Gerry: fight like hell, or love who you see.

      You’ve spent all of your life fighting like hell; and as you have discovered, it’s a losing battle. This is nothing less than your authentic self demanding its expression. This is no little matter. This is Who You Really Are, and not even you can stop yourself from being yourself. As twisted as that sounds, it is the very thing against which we all struggle.

      The time has come for you to loosen the strangle-hold you have on yourself. Relax about all this. You do not have cancer; you have not been diagnosed with a terminal illness; you have not lost a limb, nor are you crashing around the Mediterranean like a stateless refugee.

      Wanting to get hot and heavy with other guys is not a big deal in life. Don’t make it one. Allow allow allow yourself to be yourself. It will not hurt nearly as much as you have fantasized. In fact, it will feel like a who lotta good. Really. But I cannot convince of this.

      I am here to talk, however, should you feel so inclined.

      I wish you all the best in this inner struggle Gerry. You have your hand on the wheel, and can create anything you want.

      Kind Regards,


    2. Thank you for your repl.
      I wish I could truly comes to terms with who I am and not question myself. It is just a struggle for me @ this point.
      Could be due to how I was raised??? My dad was an alcoholic and left many a times…I was taught/ felt that a man should be there for his family. My mom was both my parents (mom&dad)
      I wish i knew what and where my bi side eminates from. All I know is…..I am confused terribly!
      I have a hard time looking @ myself in the mirror. I don’t know who the person is, looking back @ me. I feel as tho I am failing @ being a good husband. Like if I knew this before I had gotten married, I should never have married this beautiful soul of a woman…like she don’t deserve this or a bi hubby.
      I am just confussed!!!
      Lately I think about sex with another man all throughout the day. I wish for it, fantasize about it.
      How do I tell my wife that I want to go out and have sex with another man? If she ever gave me a look of,” I am hurt and dissapointed!” I would die right there on the spot.
      Last time I went out and “play”, I could not look her straight in the face. I was afraid of what I might see in her eyes!
      I love her with every inch of my being…so how could I also love sex with other men? Questions that keep me awake @ night. I have a hard time sleeping these days.
      Wake up feeling like I never ever slept.
      I just wish I could be whole, because right now…I feel shattered. And it hurts. I have apologized a million times to my wife, and everytime she says its okay.
      I feel as tho I don’t deserve this woman.
      Much of what you have to say is food for thought…and I pray and pray, that I can accept everything you say. I guess time will tell.
      I truly appreciate your wisedom and knowledge and pray and hope that many more people, with the same/similar internal conflicts, come across your blog.
      You have helped in a way I cannot explain.

      I thank you from my heart.

    3. Gerry questioning ourselves is like a flower questioning itself: why am I yellow, when some are purple? Why do I only have one bloom when some have many? Why am I short when some are tall?

      You are who you are, and who you are is not going to be stopped! Not even by you. Hmm…. Who is fighting with whom?

      You cannot win the battle; you can only capitulate and accept the terms. I know this from experience with my own battle, as well as from those of many others.

      The main question is: what is so very wrong with wanting to sleep with men? What does this truth expose about you and your character that is so awful and shameful? Really Gerry, who cares!

      Again, this is a small thing. And once accepted, this is a very very enjoyable thing.

      I wish you all the best in this. May peace be with you.


  10. Hello Mark,

    Awhile back I posted in regards to my my wife coming out with her bi sexuality and I truly appreciated the great advice you gave me. Well we have come to a crossroad where I feel like it’s starting to take a strange turn. I’m part into it and part confused…and jealous to be completely honest.

    She has expressed interest in multiple women which I’m ok with but hadn’t really made any effort to pursue it. At first out conversation about was that if it ever I happened that I could be around or involved in some sorts as this was a fantasy of hers, which I was a little nervous about since I haven’t been with anyone else in our 8 years together, but was ok with. Well one of the women she is into is also married and they have a somewhat consensual non monogamous relationship being they are both bi sexual and ok with each other being with same sex partners. They have never followed through supposedly but have discussed it in great length. Well my wife’s fantasy has evolved into a foursome of all of us now, and also interest in doing this with other couples. Which still I told her that if we created some boundaries I would be open to exploring but still felt a little weird about it. To add the icing, she now is interested in being with a woman or women completely alone without my involvement, and in our house with me there….but I just have to sit downstairs? I don’t know. Am I wrong to feel weird about all of this? I don’t really have any interest in other women but her so I’m jealous that I’m not involved in that sense. I guess just out of a comfortability factor. I guess I feel strange her being having sex with someone and me not being around.

    The other evening when we were out with this couple, her and the girl got drunk and were making out at the bar by Aj which didn’t make me feel as uncomfortable as I thought it would. I guess the part that made me feel uncomfortable was the fact that I felt left out. They were all cuddled up in a booth and laughing and get going which I didn’t care about but when I went to talk to my wife about something she waved her and asked me to leave her alone. I expressed to her that this bothered me and she apologized and said that she was drunk, but I still can’t help but feel like this is a glimpse into the future of being cast aside as a second thought to her. Also I can’t help but feel jealous her being so sexually interested in other people. I don’t know why because I understand that she’s human, and it’s perfectly natural to be attracted to other people. But I just can’t seem to shake it. I try to stay as cool and collective as I can. And I remain understanding and don’t ever express to her that I feel that way because I don’t want her to be self-conscious about her needs.

    We have two kids and what I feel like is a wonderful relationship and I wouldn’t ever want to end.

    Hopefully you have some good advice on the situation!


    1. Dear Pc,

      Thanks for contacting me again with this scenario.

      There is a generalized sentiment of “discomfort” throughout your email. You seem to be comfortable with her bisexuality and same-sex desires, but uncomfortable with how this is to be accommodated within your relationship.

      It’s excellent that you are acknowledging your jealousy, as this is a factor indeed. Jealousy is an umbrella for many emotions, the strongest of which include anger/rage, self-loathing and unworthiness, irritability and depression.

      These feelings reach down to the deepest core of our own self dislike, disgust, and lack.

      There are many ways to go about dealing with jealousy. I suggest reading “The Ethical Slut”, which has a huge section on jealousy, including worksheets and exercises which you will find beneficial.

      About her actions in the bar, you want me to tell you that you are justified in your feelings of being hurt by her; that she has objectively acted inappropriately and that you have been wronged.

      This too is part of jealousy: wanting to make the other wrong and wanting to feel like you’ve been mistreated in an attempt to make her out to be a bad person, so to speak.

      Pc I cannot do that. If you don’t like her behaviour then you need to discuss it, like her wanting you to be in the house while she’s having sex with another woman. If you don’t want to do this then don’t.

      You too need to set your own boundaries. You may not always be comfortable, but you need to give your explicit consent. So, I am not thrilled about you having sex in our house, but you can do so under these conditions, x, y, z.

      The fact that she is the one doing the exploring and you are the one being pulled along has it’s limitations as well. I believe I said to you (I may be wrong and I apologize and disregard if not) that you too need to embrace your inner queer. By that I mean you too need to explore! You need to want, you need to be interested, you need to find something new and appealing in all this for yourself.

      If your wife’s sexuality is nothing but a torment and tribulation, then this may not be the right relationship for you. In order for you to be happy you need to be learning and exploring and growing and changing too – and not just in reaction to her, but because of your own desires as well.

      In other words you need to change too, and not only along the lines of accepting what she does.

      Pc you are working on a consensually non-monogamous relationship. The key here is “consensual”. This means you both have to be comfortable with the actions of the other before the other can take said actions.

      This is a process. As you explore new actions and scenarios, you discover things you like, things you don’t like, and things you don’t like but can allow the other to do anyhow.

      This process is about stretching beyond your comfort zones – both of you. When you are stretched a little too much, you can always take a breather, retract for a little; regroup and then move on again.

      It’s important to take a big-picture view on this too: what seems huge and nearly insurmountable at this point in your relationship will eventually become commonplace. Remember you are in this for the long-haul, so 20, 30, 40 years. Things are going to move and shift. I guarantee this.

      I’m available for counselling should you feel the need to talk in depth.

      Kind Regards,


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