I spent the final month of 2013 baffled by the incredulity, omission, and invisibility of bisexuality, and as such I have resolved that 2014 will be a year of Bisexual Visibility. I urge you, my fellow bisexuals (and those who love us), to join me.
In the month of December I had the great pleasure of publishing and promoting my new book, “Confessions of a Bisexual Husband“. It was then that bisexual invisibility really hit home.
When I tried to upload my book on Amazon, the only category heading even close to “Bisexuality” was “Gay and Lesbian”. Site after site had a “Gay and Lesbian” menu selection. Some had “Gender Studies” – which I interpreted as a tip of the hat toward the transgendered members of the community (and happily so, as this certainly seems to be the year for trans visibility). But that did not help me.
I just stared at the menu selection, wanting somehow to squeeze in there between the gays and lesbians (which makes no sense, as most of us acknowledge. Lesbians are gays, and gays are lesbians. Yes I’m aware that many interpret gay as being male, but if someone says “My daughter is gay,” we don’t reply: “But how can that be? She’s a woman?”).
I’m sorry to say that this lack of a bisexual option was the case even on queer sites. I won’t mention names because I don’t harbour any ill will, but on one queer site, when I clicked on the “Community” link I found three options: Gay, Lesbian, Trans. This was a site loudly and proudly singing the joys of our queer community and it’s many wonderful members – except, apparently, bisexuals.
I have thus far had no choice but to put my book in the “Gay and Lesbian” sections, although I’m neither. “Oh, but you know what we mean.” these sites seemed to be saying. If they mean to imply that we’re all a bunch of queers, I wholeheartedly agree. But I’ve yet to find a single site (other than bisexual sites) which even mention bisexuality.
As a freelance writer I want to pitch stories on bisexuality, but neither gay nor straight magazines or websites feel their readership is interested bisexuality.
So maybe 2014 is the year we drop the alphabet soup and put forth the heading Queer: “One name to rule them all, one name to find them, one name to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.” (Thanks JRRT!) I like the “in the darkness bind them” bit. Ahh, the joys of bisexuality. But I digress.
I’ve been contemplating why it is bisexuality has such a hard time being accepted as it’s own identity. Here are a few of the reasons I have come up with:
1. The belief that everyone is bisexual to some degree.
I used to believe this too. But now I know it’s false. Everyone is not bisexual. My wife is not bisexual (much to her chagrin). As a writer I get the same kind of response. My brother-in-law claimed he was a writer too because “I’ve written some copy for a website, and other stuff.”
Just because I have a tomato plant growing in my backyard does not make me a farmer.
You may have diddled your college roommate on a couple of drunken occasions; you may have fantasized about giving a post-tournament massage to Raffa Nadal (who hasn’t!); you may have wondered what it would be like to sleep with the same (or, if gay, the opposite) sex, and thought it possible, but that does not mean you are bisexual – of course it doesn’t mean you aren’t, either!
And therein lies the problem. Many people wonder and are curious. Many have experimented. Many think it’s possible for them. So when those of us who identify as bisexual say so, others look at us and respond, “Yeah, well, I have a tomato plant in my backyard too.”
Dismissed!
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2. Bisexuals themselves have a very hard time identifying as such.
Bisexuality is a queer thing indeed. We all yearn for clarity – especially around our sexuality, since this will determine with whom we marry, settle down, select as a primary partner, etc. Many of the bisexuals I meet have gone through periods of self-exasperation, as have I. Just when they thought their sexual identity was clear and settled, blammo! They find themselves attracted to and yearning for the wrong sex once again.
When we finally do feel as if we’ve settled into one camp or the other, we no longer want to identify as bisexual – we want to forget the whole sordid ordeal. I have often looked upon my own m2m experiences with disgust and regret, desperately wanting to return to the safety of heterosexuality.
I was 47 years old when I finally admitted to myself and publicly that I am bisexual. And as with others who have played on the sexual identification merry-go-round, it felt bloody fabulous to do so.
3. Bisexuality is no more than a train stop on the way to a final destination of homosexuality.
Understandably, there are times when this is true – and others when it is not. The first inklings that one is not altogether straight can be quite disconcerting. In these cases bisexuality may indeed be the first stop when awakening to the realization that one is gay.
Things get even more confusing, however, when those who reach the end of the line and identify as gay decide to get back on the train and head the other way.
Some ride this train back and forth until they finally give up and get off of it altogether, acknowledging that their identity is fluid. There’s a tendency to feel lost and alone in these cases, as no one on either side can understand them: “Make up your mind you feckless git!”
“I’m trying!” replies the bisexual, utterly disgusted with him/herself, wondering what defect this is which makes them unable to do so.
4. Coming out as bisexual can be hazardous – much more so than coming out as gay.
I have heard many heart-rending stories of bisexuals being rejected by their community – especially the LGT community: previously-identified as gay men being shunned when they admit to having a desire for women; gay women accusing bisexual women of “Not being pure lesbian” (I am quoting an actual person here) as they’re shown the door.
This is to say nothing of the straight community, who have come a long way in accepting gays, but who don’t know what to make of bisexuals, who are – fill in whichever tired criticisms you wish.
Being rejected as a bisexual has strong repercussions. When those who come out as gay are rejected by their straight community, they can turn to the gay community for support. And the straight community is always happy to have someone “back”. Bisexuals have no such community, as we are rejected by both. Yet another reason for a more visible, stronger bisexual community.
If we are to become a community it’s important to acknowledge and identify as bisexual. At the very least do so privately, and if you can, in any small way possible – even by vocalizing support for bisexuals – make a resolution to do publicly in 2014.
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